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My Story, From beginning to present

I am 25 years old and I have been binging and purging for nearly 10 years now. I started when I was 16 years old. Ever since I was in grade school I was always very overweight. It never really bothered me until I started middle school and people began to tease me. When I started high school I gained a lot of weight and I never really had any boyfriends. I was always very shy and I had really bad acne. The summer of my 10th grade I decided to make a change, so my cousin and I started to exercise and diet. We would go hiking for two to three hours a day, or roller blade for hours. We would barely eat anything. I remember there was days when I would just have cereal and an apple. After about three months I had lost X pounds or so, but I got so fed up, I wanted to eat. I went to a birthday party with my cousin and there was so much food. She started eating and it made me feel ok to eat also. I ate so much, I lost all control and ate and ate. I ate fattening foods like cake, chips, cookies, any junk food. When I left with my cousin I felt so bad and I told her I wish there was something I could do to undo what I had just done. She told me that we could throw up. I couldn't do it at first,it took me hours. We kept meeting up and buying so much junk food and b&p. It became like a routine. We would go everyday to buy so much junk food. We even started to figure out which foods would come out easier. I slowly started to gain weight back. I kept doing this on and off all through high school and college. I would stop for a couple months and then once I started to gain a lot of weight I would diet and I would only last so long on a strict diet before I started to b&p again. I've gained weight and lost it so many times, but the b&p never really stopped. It is not as bad as it used to be, and it only happens about three times a week now, but I want to stop completely. I want to have control over this desire for food. I know I am stronger than it and I hate losing control. I just can't limit my food intake anymore, and when I even eat some type of junk food I feel like throwing it up right away. Or if I even eat regular foods like salads or sandwiches and I get really full I have to throw up. This is something I have dealt with for such a long time and I know slowly I am gaining control and learning how to overcome it, but there are days where I just completely fail. I had made it my new years resolution to stop completely. I started again two weeks ago. I was doing so well on my diet and exercise plan and I had lost X pounds. Since I started b&p I gained back X pounds. I have told my boyfriend before about three years ago, but he thinks everything is under control now. No one but my cousin knows, but she also thinks that is done with now. We hardly ever talk about it, and I think she stopped nine years ago (I am not sure though). I ask God to help me and help us all out here. I know we can all get through this.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program