My shamefull bulimia story
Before I was bulimic I was basically the girl to ask my mom to stop off at a donut shop so I could down three donuts. I was completely happy about my weight and never gave a care about what people thought about me. It didn't hit me like a train wreck either. It was very gradual. At first I had just wanted to be fit and healthy but I wasn't seeing any results after awhile and it was very difficult for me to resist my favourite fat filled foods. In the end I would feel extremely guilty about it but wouldn't purge. I didn't exactly know how. My problems went to the extreme one day though. I was laying on my bed, with my top half hanging off and I was mainly putting all of the pressure on my stomach. I could feel food beginning to come up without any effort. Seeing this I jumped up off of my bed, and ran to get a bowl. For the first couple of weeks I would do it about 2 times a week and I would never shove my finger down my throat. But after around a month I started binging and purging daily and by this point, just willing the vomit to come up wouldn't work. It was something I never thought of. Eventually, I was up to 2-3-6 times a day and it was a miracle if I could make it a day. My teeth were beginning to turn yellow. I was completely disgusted with myself. When I binged I would try and do it in front of people so they would think that I was naturally skinny by how skinny I was getting and how much food I ate. I would also eat to the point my stomach actually hurt. Eventually my parents took notice of my odd behaviours. In short they found out. They didn't make me go to a councellor or anything.. When they discovered it I was completely ashamed. I cried for hours and hours because they found out. Also, I think the worst feeling when I was bulimic was when I binged and wasn't able to purge. I actually binged 6 medium packaged cinnamon rolls. It was a total of X calories. That was around 3:00pm. Before then I had only eaten one small apple:X calories. I didn't eat anything for the rest of the night after that, but as soon as I realized that I wouldn't be able to get it out of my body I cried and cried while I was in my room with the lights out for probably 2 hours. I cried myself to sleep. A lot of people believe that bulimia is just an eating habit where you binge on a ton of food and then purge it, but there is an emotional level attached to it as well. My parents did help me though but I was never out about it. Whenever they brought it up I would go into shut down mode because I was ashamed about what I was doing. At the point when my parents found out I weighed X pounds and was still trying to lose weight. My goal was to be either X or X. I had a height of 5'5". Now, I weigh X. I am still not fully recovered but I cannot will myself to gain any more. I no longer binge and purge but am on a strict diet to keep myself away from binging and purging. My next step is to try and love myself and my body because I fear I am slowly slipping into anorexia. The lowest weight I reached was X pounds, and I had started at X pounds. Sure I lost weight but I also lost who I was as a person. I used to be full of energy, always hot, happy, and outgoing...now, I am none of those things. Part of me wishes it never happened but another part still is glad. That other part is mia still telling me I am fat and ugly. I am still trying to recover but I will not give up.
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