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My Secret

by Liz

I don't think I've ever felt comfortable in my own skin. Ever since elementary days I've compared myself to others. I always felt the need to work towards perfection. Smartest, prettiest, skinniest were my ambitions at a young age. When I was 12 and in 6th grade I threw up my first meal. Afterwards I thought to myself "I can't do this to myself because I'm too young to suffer." Two years later in 8th grade it happened again. Now for over a year, I've been suffering with on and off fasting, binging and purging, and self hatred. In the past few months, things have been extreme. I make myself throw up at least 2 times a day. I feel so ashamed and disgusted in myself for this. I wish I could be normal. Also, I wish I had a reason to be this way. Some people are struggling with terrible medical conditions while I'm just trying to fight off the voice in my head.I go on extreme binges where I don't even realize what I'm doing. It's like I turn into a zombie. These last normally 30 minutes and are followed by forcing everything out for an hour. I want help but I don't want to be a burden because I feel like I'm not bad enough because I'm at a normal weight. I don't know what to do. For now, I don't plan on stopping anytime soon. Maybe when I hit the sickly weight people will start to realize that there's a problem. I'm not even 16 yet and I hate myself. Hopefully I can make it to 16, only a few months away. Maybe by then I'll be perfect..

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program