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My secret

by Madi

It all started in the 9th grade, i remeber i was thinking and looking at my best friends that they are getting all the attention from the boys and i wanted that too and they were skinny. So i started to count calories, it worked for a while but when you are restricting yourself from something it is going to come back with a lot of power. I don't know what it was but i thought i will try to puke because that will be easier for me - i could eat whatever and still stay thin. It all begun with a full power when i was 17, i lost weight and i started to get attention from boys, i was beautiful (funny i didn't think i was a beautiful girl, and i still completely don't believe that). I think it started because i didn't get a lot attention or love from my parents. My mom is mentaly ill and when she has a bad period usualy before going back to hospital she is very abusive, calling me names like bitch, whore, slut, stupid, fat ass etc. is was so hurtful to me and now when i think about it i just want to cry. Not enough with just that because my father is an alcoholic, i have always wanted to feel some love from him but he always just drinks and want to be alone, he is so sad and i am hurt to see him like that. Growing up was not easy for me and i think that set the stage for bulimia to arrive. I hate my body because i was raped at the age of 9 by my big brother (i have a twin brother and brother and sister who are twins too, just 10 years older), i still keep hate towards him and all men and it is hard for me to be with someone. Anyway back to my bulimia it's strange but i don't even remember how it is to eat normal because all i have done is binge eat and purge every day, multiple times. In 2009 i got so scared because i had dropped a lot of weight i am 155 cm and i weighted X kg at my lowest and i didn't even noticed how thin i was, people started to notice that and i got scared that they are going to know that i have an ED but they said i am anorexic and i was relieved because my secret was still safe.

Things i haven't told anyone:

I have stolen foods from my friends houses, eating their food while no one is watching and when i start to eat i can't stop while i am really full otherwaise it's not worth it even to start.

I have stolen money from my parent to buy lots of junk food and hide it in my room so that i can eat the normal food too.

In the beginning i was puking in the bathroom but my mom was whatcing, listening to what i am doing there for such a long time so now i am going to the forest for walks as i say to everyone or do it when no one is around or do it in some restourants, or in buckets, bottles etc.

I told myself that this is the last time and it never stops, I am so disgusted by myself when i wake up in the morning and see my face swollen, then i can't go out of the house or go to school because then someone will notice what i am hiding. I am 22 now, i can't believe that i have done this laready for 5 years. Bulimia has affected so much in my life, i plan my life so i have time for binging and purging. I have refused to meet with my friends, sister, go to school, go out because of that. I feel so lonely in this, weak against this monster, i am afraid to be fat, i feel sick when i have fat on, when everything is not smooth and hard but soft and jelly. I don't know how to help myself, i have been thinking to search for a therapist but i don't have any money for that, my family is really poor and i feel so guilty when i am eating so much food a day, like 5 full big meal a day and then i get so offensive when my parents ask isn't that enough? Yes, isn't it and then i am so angry at myself about it.

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