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My secret life

by J
(UK)

I have always struggled with my weight from a young age. Being bullied never helped, their words get into your brain, deep down, you can't forget.

At the age of 18 I left school, I had time on my hands, my parents had divorced and life was a bit mad! I started to eat less, remembering the bullies words, thinking I can get skinny and pretty. No one noticed! It started with eating normal meals then vomiting. Then my mum realised I was purging, she went crazy! So I just stopped eating. I collapsed. I ended up in an eating disorder unit for 3 months. It was the darkest time of my life. I vomited the whole time I was in there, I gained no weight, I played the system. I discharged myself. I dropped even more weight, I got hypothermia in my own house wrapped in blankets and hot water bottles. Then I decided to eat. It was all going so well! I gained weight, I was enjoying food!! Then came the bulimia...evil horrible secretive deceptive.

I have tried so hard! But every day I purge, binge purge, sometimes not even binge. I can't tell anyone, it would destroy my mum. I can't tell my wonderful boyfriend, he knows very little of my anorexic phase and NOTHING of this. I spend so much money on food that I could be spending on myself. My body aches, my skin is awful, I'm tired and exhausted of the worry and guilt and stress this horrid evil illness causes me. I dream of being rid of it and I read your story but can never imagine myself in your position!! So here I am 7 years of bulimia and I just don't know how much more I can take :( I don't even know where to start, how to beat that voice when I'm desperately trying so hard not to binge and purge that just gets too much!!!! I want to beat it so so much!!

Thinking of all those others who sit with the same sad heart as I do ;( all help more than welcome and I feel lighter already telling those on the forum. Thank you.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of your-bulimia-recovery.com
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community


The Bulimia Recovery Program