My secret is shared
This is my first time opening up to anyone about my story. I have been in denial for a little over a year and a half now, and it's time I fess up and say it; I am bulimic. Wow, even typing this in complete privacy is a challenge and feels like nails on a chalk board to me.
This began about January 2011. It's new years, I am beginning to shred weight because I am on a strict diet/workout plan. I lived with 6 other girls and was going to college. Living with that many girls constantly worrying about what they eat/how much they weigh; it really weighed thick on me. I felt a lot of pressure to be thin, not only from them constantly discussing their own thin bodies which they saw as "problems", but I was ready to make a change for myself. I have to say I did very well, I dropped pounds and by May I was getting all sorts of "you look awesome" comments. When I start thinking back now, I'm embarrassed that I didn't realize I had a problem. I was so strict with my diet that I would fulb up now and then and took care of it by purging. I didn't see a problem in it at the time because it was not constant and I was not over-indulging in food but rather eating what I considered the "wrong" foods.
Now, October 2012, things have progressed which is what has brought me to this site. I now live back home and experience the fear of a daily "I hope I don't get caught" by my parents fear. (how embarrassing and ashamed they would be)It has gotten to the point that I can get through my day, have it all outlined and feel great but when it comes dinner time (after 9 hr work day) I begin to get my feelings of "not good enough", mixed with stress, mixed with extreme urges to beinge eat. Example: in a time like this, one of my worst times, I found myself go to 3 different fast food places to get a little or a lot of everything I was craving. After that I would drive to the gas station, go and purge, and walk out with a drink to help level my feelings of guilt. When I sit here and think about this I am so ashamed that I have gotten here, especially when I feel I know the root of the issue.
Back to January 2011, I was just freshly rejected by a guy I had liked for over a year, it was crushing, but I moved to exercise and extreme dieting, and occasional beinge/purging to "show him what he was missing." Let's jump to present date and I again am feeling unloved, unwanted, by the people I want to be wanted by. I have always struggled with rejection and it saddens me that beinging/purging is an emotion that is getting linked with it. Some of the people I so desperately feel I need to prove myself to, are people I should careless about. The first step in my recovery is going to figure out how to love myself for me. The hardest part about that is I want to love my body which brings me in full spin back to my issues.
I am a health nut, so it makes me sad to know what I am doing to my body is extremely dangerous and ultimately not going to help me get to the fit body I want to have. I don't want to die like this (huge fear), I want to be able to live freely and happily without feeling I need to prove myself to others. I don't want any guy to make me feel unworthy. I don't want to be a disappointment to others and most of all I want to stop letting myself down.
This is the first step to my recovery. I know that I have a problem, and I know that I need to work to fix it. Reading other people's stories and your story, Shaye, is already getting me and track and ready to begin to tackle this disease full force. I have full faith that I will achieve the "this is what your missing" but I want to be able to say I did for me and not for others, I want a natural happiness, not a fake happiness I wear on my sleave, I want to recover and live for me.
Sorry this post is all over the place, I kind of just typed as I was thinking, but I'm sure you understand how confusing it can be to share your story.
Thank you x1000 for being a strong supporter and sharing your story Shaye and everyone alike. I wish everyone the best!
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