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my sad demon

by Sille
(Denmark)

Hi.. I´m a danish, 36 years old girl.
This is big for me to write about my disease.
I have been bulimic for about 20 years and I feel like two persons. The hiding one and the nice and energetic one.
All my life is about loosing weight and looking good, saying and doing the right things and if I fail it, I hide and eat-purging..
I am very good to hate my self, so I also have to exercise a lot to just like my self a little bit.
Food makes me feel safe and with a friend or a good mom. I also drink a lot and that's the same feeling.
I very often get stressed when i'm with other people, scared of what they think of me...Do they think i'm weird or ugly? Boring? Fat? weak? To many feelings? To old?
Mostly do people really like me and want to be with me, but I still can't relax.
Sometimes I really don't want to eat, i'm not hungry, but I do it anyway, that's fucking crazy! But I really don't know what else to do? It's like, it gives my life meaning..
When I feel fat, I feel like nothing and I don't have the license to live or get love. But when I feel thin I get a lot of energy and love life and people, nothing can harm me.
It's hard to live that way and I really want to know why my demon is so sad....?

S

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of your-bulimia-recovery.com
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community


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