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My problem in bulimia recovery by mandy

by Amanda / mandy
(Indonesia)

I have bulimic since i was about 16 , and now I'm 25, I'm trying to heal from it but its really hard, especially after I eat. I always feel anxious and wanna blow up, but now I'm trying hard to Fight my urges to purge, like vomitting and using laxatives, but what happened? My weight is rapidly gained so much and still gain, in fact im just eat a littel meals but why my body is gaining so much weight? I am frustrated and crying.. All my clothes don't fit me now especialy my pants, jeans etc,, I am 2 weeks b/p free.. But I've gained Xkgs although I do some excercise, but not excessive! Omg..I cant stand on it, sometimes I feel like wanna using laxatives, but Im scared that I will fall again into my bulimia, but in other side I think that it will be so easy just becoming bulimic again coz I wont gain weight like this.. Its so ashamed that I have a curvy body and chubby face, and everybody just wondering how come I have become so fat in just 2 weeks (I wanna cry when they said it, and it feels like my body is so mean to me, it doesnt compromise!! Arrgghhh!!!..
If In some articles said bulimic cheeks and jaw is swelling because of vomit but actually I think now (in my bulimiarecovery) my face is more swelling than before I was bulimic :'( I hate to see it in the mirror,,
If the weight is water weight, so how long this weight will be stayed in my body? Will I lose a few, or gain more?
Because I'm so short and I dont wanna look like a chubby ball.. Can I restrict my food intake?

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