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My obsession with food

Throughout my childhood I was never fat, but I probably ate a little too much. I knew I was a bit chubbier than my friends, but I never really thought about what I ate. When I was fifteen I thought about it more, and I started cutting back. I got an older boyfriend and I started to cut back more. Eventually I was eating about X calories a day and I lost a lot of weight. Then one day I binged. It wasn't even that much food the first time, but I felt awful all the same. I didn't purge; I hadn't started that yet. Anyway, I went back to my diet, even more strict with myself. That lasted about a week until the next binge. The binges started to last longer, maybe even a few days. I was bloating ridiculously, but I never purged. I can't remember when, but I started to make myself throw up after binges. It started happening now and again but eventually was happening four or five times a day. However, if I was surrounded by my family all day, I tended not to binge, probably because I didn't want to be caught. I'm always terrified of being caught, always convinced someone knows. I've made myself throw up in basically every place; in the cinema, at school, at a restaurant, in a field, in the garden, and many more. One time, on the way to school I bought a huge pack of briochhe and muffins. I ate them all and threw them up in the toilets before registration. Another time, I went to a restaurant with my friends and ate a huge meal (and some of theirs). We went to the cinema and I sat down in the dark and lied and said I needed the toilet. I threw everything back up and when I got back I lied and said the lock has gotton stuck on the toilet. I then ate a load of popcorn and chocolate and went back to the toilet half way through the movie to throw it back up again. No wonder my friends think I'm a bit weird sometimes. It's the same old story; I can't control myself and I can't stop. When I'm dieting and I give in and eat, I can't stop at a little bit. I think 'I might as well get what I'm paying for'. I feel like if I'm breaking my diet, I might as well have whatever I want. About a month ago, I spent a while trying to recover. My binging went down to once a day and a couple of days I didn't throw up or binge at all. However after those days I felt extremely fat, and so the cycle continued. I've been suffering with this for a year now, and I'm so lost. I feel like I've tried everything, and I'm completely trapped. Reading your story really helped me, I felt alone before, and now I feel just a little bit more normal, so thank you.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program