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My nightmare

by Monica

I have had an ED since I was 17 (I am 31 now). It all started with anorexia. I am not sure what triggered it... it might have been the traumatic experience of moving to a different country at age 15, where I did not know the language or anyone, or anything about the culture. It got pretty bad during my senior year of college and when I graduated, instead of starting my job search i went straight to an ED center and spent over 3 months there as an inpatient. I got better but it didn't last very long. I tried going back to anorexia but ended up with bulimia and that's when it really got out of hand. Binging and purging all the time. It was easy because I lived by myself, my whole family had moved back to our country of origin, I worked the night shift and I simply alienated myself from the world. I lost many valuable friends in the process, but all I cared about was binging, purging, killing myself at the gym and, above all, losing weight. This lasted a couple of years until I decided to quit my job (I am an RN, how ironic), and I moved back home to get better surrounded by family and with a strong support system. I went through intense therapy once again, but outpatient this time, since there are no inpatient treatment centers where I am from. I "got better" and seemed normal, at a decent weight and with a normal life, but the obsession with food and weight has never completely left me. I have gone through periods of my life where I am normal, I restrict a little, i excersise, and I don't throw up for many months, then it comes back for a while and then it goes away. But for the past year or so, it has been getting worse again. It started as an occasional binge and purge episode, then weekly, then daily and right now I am stuck in a routine where I eat breakfast, snack, lunch, snack and then I get home from work, have dinner (all of the meals are planned the day before) and that's when I lose it. I binge and purge EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. I am trying to stop and I tell myself, "this is the the last time, tomorrow is a new day"... Another important factor is that I just quit smoking!!! it has been 4 weeks and of course I have gained some weight and food cravings are out of control. I am 5'1 and used to be Xlbs... Right now I am a little over a X and that is a HUGE deal for me because i haven't been in the X digits in God know how long. I started trying all kinds of extreme things, like being on Medifast, speedloss detox, the lemonade diet, very low carb diet, etc... nothing works. It only makes it worse. But after reading the info in this website I began to understand how it works and how that is not the answer. I am tired of this. I break out all the time because of the purging and I look older than I am and just gross, tired and sick. I get headaches all the time and I am either super sad or VERY irritable. My biggest problem other than the ED itself is how it is affecting my marriage. That's my #1 reason to get better. I want to be the healthy, happy woman my husband fell in love with. I also want to be a mom soon, and how am i supposed to do that if i don't like myself, and I am not taking care of the most important person in my life?

I have moments were I look at myself in the mirror and I want to crawl out of my skin... other moments I smile... even if I don't feel like it, and I tell myself that I love myself and that I am beautiful, strong and healthy. I am trying really hard to be ok with my new weight but is so difficult that it almost, physically hurts.

I just got done with a menu I made for the next MONTH, and I plan on following it to the dot. It has the 3 meals and 3 snacks and I am going to follow the "every-2.5-to-3-hours" strategy.

I am not a member of this group... yet. However, everything I have read here has been very helpful and enlightening. I wish everyone the best.

You are all in my prayers.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
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The Bulimia Recovery Program