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My Love-

by M
(US)

I want you to know just how unstable I am! I want to shout at you sometimes! To ask me questions and confront me when I have 6 convenience store charges in one day, when the sports bars disappear from your room, when I go from extreme happy to sad within an hour, when I have panic attacks and insist on going home, when I blow off meeting you. I want you to know exactly how disgusting and dishonest Ive become because if itd be such a load off of my shoulders; I feel like you dont know me.
You know I have a history of bulimia and anorexia- but you think its all better because I dont cry when someone puts pasta in front of me anymore. You think its all better because you make sure I eat meals. Well guess what, I couldnt handle the x lbs I had to gain- Im so lonely and so scared. ED ruined my life- I steal from stores ALL THE TIME. Did you know that? You value integrity so much, I could never ever tell you just how much Ive stolen. Thousand of dollars worth of groceries. I live for it. I will happily break off a date with you to go to the grocery store and eat a box of stolen cookies in the sit down area. Ive stolen money from your wallet, my coworkers, my roommates, my sisters, so I could buy food.
Do you know why I failed all 5 community college classes Ive taken? I couldnt bring myself to face the people in the classes, and began to skip to binge and purge because I couldnt control my anxiety. This has ruined my life; has caused me to fail my senior year in high school, to be rejected form 14 colleges, to go on and fail community college. Do you know how scared I am that I am never going to be able to function like an adult? I cannot picture the day where I will be able to get up, feed myself, and go to work and earn a living without feeling extreme anxiety over food.
I hate my body now, you have no idea. I dread when you touch me because of all the weight Ive gained. Sure, my hairs grown back and my pulse isnt x bpm anymore, but do you know I can vommit just by bending over and flexing my stomach slightly? I do it all the time after meals- why dont you ever ask me about that? It makes noise- I dont see how you cant notice. Especially when Ive told you I have reflux problems.
I cant talk to you at all. Did you know I just ate a package of cookies and a king size candy bar before finishing this letter? And I threw it up to- took me under 5 mins. Did you know Im on my period and thats why Ive been ignoring you and wont let you touch me? Ive been with you three years and yet Im too ashamed to tell you I have my period- I have to make up excuses and lies ALL THE TIME. Do you have ANY idea who you're in love with? Because I dont.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of your-bulimia-recovery.com
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community


The Bulimia Recovery Program