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My long battle with bulimia

by DEH
(New York, US)

I'm a sophomore at a great college, one of the top 20 liberal arts in the US. Everyday has been a struggle. A struggle to get enough food to satisfy me on a binge, a struggle to get to class on time, a struggle with my grades, and a struggle to let friends in. They notice that I eat an enormous amount of food but I'm so tiny (I think I'm under X lbs at this point). But I work out pretty hard, and I'm always pretty down to earth, positive and chill. I think that's how I hide it so well. I've just gotten so used to being able to throw up what I eat that I know I can eat anything. But it's not even that I want to be skinny, in fact, the waif look doesn't appeal to me. It's the fullness. I'll literally just throw up water sometimes. Wow, I realize how stupid that is when I write it.

It's so much a part of my life now (2-3 times per day and that's an improvement) that it's almost natural; a bad habit like biting your nails or popping your pimples. My teeth are damaged, I am going to have to get them fixed, my acne is terrible, I think I have excessive lanugo hair, I always look and feel tired, I can't concentrate on my work or don't have time to do it because i'm binging or purging, my grades are far below what they used to be, my skin is dry, my hair is thin, my veins are so visible all over, and i'm so annoyed with myself that every time I give in and eat more than I know I can handle. I know I need to stop, and I'm desperately trying. I've had some good days where I have gotten actual meals down that i'm okay with keeping down, but most just go down the toilet - jesus it's such a waste. I know I need to change, and I think I'm allowing myself to accept the consequences of eating more food, which I hope is a step, but everyday is still a fight with myself.

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