My (long arduous) recovery journey
Hi Shaye and everyone,
I have been visiting this website for about two months now. I am pretty sure I've read everything on here. This is such an amazing resource for all of us suffering with bulimia. Priceless, really.
Thank you Shaye for your beautiful honesty and genuine desire to help. I bet it's a whole lot of work to answer to everyone, but you really are helping me, and countless others I am sure. I feel like I've gotten to know you through this website and feel a lot of respect and gratitude for you and your work.
I am almost 27 yrs and have been suffering from eating disorders since I was 13. It started with restricting my food. I was by no means overweight or chubby as a child, but I had been teased about my belly, that I should tuck it in and watch what I am eating... You all know how that feels.
About a year and a half of anorexia was followed with binge eating and exercise bulimia, and chewing and spitting compulsively for hours. Then came the day I found out I could throw up so easily. I was 17 yrs, it was a matter of a few weeks and my binge/purge episodes spiraled out of control up to 10-15 times a day. Everything I would eat or drink (even a little glass of apple juice), I couldn't hold down. To add to that, I was experiencing severe GI distress from all the stress and traumas in my life, with chronic diarrhea that was very serious at times, and lasted for about 2 years. Many times I felt like I was going to die and did pass out a couple times.
I knew I had to save my life somehow, and decided to quit everything, I needed perspective and I needed breathing room to find who I am in this world. I left school, my job, my friends, my family and my country. I was 19 and started traveling light. My health improved a little bit as I relaxed, but I kept on binging/purging throughout day and night.
It was about 3 years ago that I started eating foods again. I had to start really small, like with a smoothie for breakfast and try my best to hold it down. That's all the progress I could do for a year. Then I started to keep down more food and try to b/p less, but still doing it everyday. I believe eating and digesting more foods really helped me to gain some strength to look into recovery and face all the pain I've been trying to run away from. I've done a lot of different therapies on and off, talked about it with many trustworthy persons. Still, it feels like a lonely arduous journey that is entirely up to me.
At this point, I've had a week here and there of no binging or purging with many weeks in between of doing it every single night. But I do eat healthy small meals no matter what. I would like to go for more than a week as that would be the longest I've gone in years.
Today, I just slipped after 6 days bulimia free. I was eating out with my boyfriend and a friend and was feeling spacey and tired. It was hard to listen to my body and I felt full and sick after eating, and embarrassed about not being able to keep up with the conversations and looking so out of it. The thought of having to get in the car and not knowing where the night was going to take us while feeling so nauseated scared me, so I went to the bathroom and you all know the rest.
I am writing because I don't want to go for another couple weeks of daily b/p just because I threw up my dinner tonight. Right?! I want to believe that it's possible.
Recovery feels hard to grasp, it's this thing I really want to kick in the butt, sometimes I get a real good grip, sometimes I feel like I am blind kicking around in the dark, hoping to hit the right spot that will light my way out of this misery.
I am just so grateful I am still alive and in decent health. There's a lot more I'd like to share about my journey, but this feels enough for now : )
Thank you again Shaye for giving us the opportunity to share.