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My life with bulimia

by Lidia Trinidad
(Malaysia)

Hi, I never wrote or I don't remember even telling no one in details about my problem, and the truth is I don't talk to no one about it because I am afraid people wont understand me. I have bulimia which started as a bulimia nervosa since I was 13-14, and I am now 30 years old. So you can imagine how many years I live in a stress inside my self.
My bulimia started from my father bullying me somehow. Any time we was sitting at he table to have our meals he would've looked at me how I eat and was talking bad to me, for example telling me that I am fat and many more things like that. Now I do realize in a way was my fault that I got to be sick from this, but then, in that time I was just a kid, a girl who's father was exaggerating about how she does everything.
I was few times near at the edge of my life. But this happened few years back, when I was still not that long sick. When my brother died I was only X kg, at my 1,63 meters. For my skeletal construction this was looking very bad, I was looking like it was, only bones. I have suffered a lot when my baby brother died. Then few years after that I had one more case, when I was really depressed and I again lost a lot of weight after gaining just few kilos.
When I was 23 I started to live with my husband, he found out what is wrong with me, but.... he don't know how to help me, he didn't know how to talk to me in a normal way. He just blame me, telling me I don't need help I just can quit just like that. Well, is not that easy after being sick for so long. I needed help, but so far I alone improved my self esteem, but I think not too much. Psychologicly I am better, and I don't hate my self, but I am still not that confident about my self only in this side, that I am still sick, and maybe I have a fake image of my self, the real me.
I also got problems with my husband, :(. he doesn't seems to be so supportive with me, he doesn't understand my situation, and I don't have any mental support from him. I got a bit better then before, I don't purge everything I eat and not every time, from not being able to hold nothing in my stomach I got to can eat something, but my stomach didn't work properly for so long that now I need to eat really slow and cant eat everything, I wish I can find help with this.
Also what keeps me still sick is about my husband again, he don't understand I cant eat all the oily fast foods and a lot, but he don't care. I just have to keep my self sick just to be able to can eat all he puts me to eat when we go to restaurant. If I don't eat all he wants me to eat he gets angry on me.
I want to get better because my body already weak, I got bad anemia, and also I think I want to have a baby in future even if maybe not from my current husband. Also my skin regeneration is slow down. And this is not all, I got so much stress in my relation that my body cant cop with it, I get in depression before I get to normal. I am sure is not just because of the problem what makes me depressed or stressed, but is also about that my body is weak.
I write my story because I am searching for help, and thanks this website I realize that I need to love my self, but not waiting for others to love me. I hope I can get help soon.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of your-bulimia-recovery.com
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community


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