My journey into and out of bulimia
Age 13 before ED, I felt so fat and gross.
As a child I was one of those stick thin little girls with hollow legs. I could eat anything and burn it off straight away. But right from an early age I felt it was important for me to be the thinnest. I remember being perhaps four years old and realizing with glee that I was taller and thinner than my best friend.
I first purposely made myself throw up when I was just three. Of course it wasn't anything to do with being skinny or eating too much, I just wanted to see what would happen, and this would haunt me many years after. When I was 10 I remember telling everyone that I was fat, maybe I was just attention seeking or wanted people to reassure me that I was stick thin or wanted people to worry about me. I used to tell people about how my spine stuck out and although nothing serious was going on I vividly remember my dad asking if I was okay and telling me what anorexia was and how I had to be careful. Even after this the idea of losing weight never really crossed my mind.
Just after my thirteenth birthday it took a turn for the worst. For the past few months I had been striving to lose weight, but as much as I tried to starve myself I could never resist that packet of crisps or chocolate bar. I was by no means fat, in fact looking at pictures I had a thigh gap, collar bones, ribs sticking out my chest. Yet I felt disgusting and fat compared to everyone else even if I was the thinnest. I just didn't see it. One day while walking to the shop for some sweets with my two friends they began discussing bulimia saying it was disgusting and they could never do that. I defended bulimics by saying I felt sorry for them, how they would never want to throw up.
Over the next week or two it whirled around my brain and I finally made my decision to try it. I think I knew bulimics binged, so I walked to the shop to buy my 'binge' consisting of a small chocolate bar, some crisps and a small pack of gummy bears. My first attempt of purging didn't go too well, but I remember getting some out. I was still starving at this point and had just discovered proana websites and diet pills. That summer was spent on the internet and exercising. I was purging upto 6 times a day at just 13. I wasn't even binging. I was on a dangerous tightrope between anorexia and bulimia.
My best friend developed anorexia at this point and we became partners in crime. It was never a healthy thing to do but I swear sometimes it kept me alive. After my parents found evidence of purging they tried to get me to stop but I just wasn't ready and carried on, though somewhat secretly. This carried on, and I'm still at it, age 16.
I already have heart and kidney problems, acid reflux, oesophagul spasms, lanugo, blue nails, a high fat percentage and bad hair.
But now, almost 3 years later, I finally feel ready to recover. I don't have to go it alone. There is always someone to help. I have hope for the future now. I don't want to die anymore, I want to live my life and accomplish amazing things and prove everyone wrong who said I would never recover. I can do this. I believe in myself.
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