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My Inner Demon

by Gracie

I denied for quite some time that I had any sort of ED. I'm now 17 and last year I began a long wished-for weight loss journey and ended up losing about X pounds the healthy way; I joined my school's cross country team and turned my life around... Or so I thought.

But, as soon as the season ended, my schedule got busy and the stress of not being able to run every day soon became a driving fear behind my continued weight loss. I can't remember exactly the first time I purged, but I've never forgot the feeling of total and absolute shock that I could do that to myself. I began thinking "Oh, I'll only do it when I've had a bad food day," but soon, I started feeling guilty for eating anything. I began the horrid cycle of restricting and purging and occasionally binging. I still believed nothing was wrong because I got so many compliments for my weight loss at school. But no matter how many people I had telling me I looked beautiful, every time I lost a pound it wasn't enough.

It really began to take a turn for the worse when I was cast as Belle in my school's production of Beauty and the Beast. My dream had finally come true and I achieved what I worked so hard for... But I still wasn't happy with who I saw in the mirror. As rehearsals ran longer and the show got closer, the higher my anxiety and stress levels rose. I was working out multiple nights a week after rehearsals that ended at 8:30 pm and I'd had 13 hour school days that were fueled by maybe an apple at lunch. I dropped down another X pounds and became tired and cold all the time, and I'd began having dizzy spells and my period stopped coming..but again--not many people noticed, because I wasn't underweight for my height. I became absolutely terrified that I was pregnant even though my boyfriend and I haven't even had sex just because I couldn't admit my eating/exercise habits were taking a toll on my health. So, this stress began adding to the overall tension that created the now binge/purge or compulsive overeating problem that I now battle daily.

I've gained a little weight back from these horrible binge episodes I've had the past few weeks. I've hid food in my room and stuffed my face in this trance like state until it hurt to breathe. My skin would be tender to the touch on my abdomen. I'd collapse into a heap on the bathroom floor trying to throw up after fasting and then binging, only to have my gag reflex not work because my stomach wanted to hold onto the only food it'd had in 2-3 days.

I'm so scared of my lack of control and I can't think about anything else throughout the day at school. I really truly want to get help but my parents would never understand and they have problems of their own.... I truly am at a loss but typing this all out has helped momentarily.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program