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My Horror

by Linda
(goldsboro, nc)

I'm 29 and I have been bulimic since I was about 13. I got tired of being the fat kid in school, having to defend myself from names like thunder thighs and free willy. I tried to lose wait but couldn't, even ordered diet pills out of one of my teen girl magazines can u even believe they were advertising some. I saw on a talk show of a bulimia case and so I tried it. I remember not being able to at first and got frustrated. I continued though until I got it right and the results after were tremendous. Even today I'm what people would think to be the perfect size and weight. Its horrible though, this disgusting secret of mine. I have lost teeth. I have lost hair and believe it or not even my skin color. I'm in pain all the time and its hard to eat anywhere. If I go to a restraunt and there's too many people in the bathroom I have to leave to get to a gas station one. Family functions forget about it. Work parties I just have to watch everyone else eat which I might add I enjoy doing. I'm jealous of the ones that can just eat what they want and not feel guilty. My boyfriend loves me with every breath and tolerates it but hates it with a passion. Hes afraid I will die and deep down I believe if I don't stop I will. I tried to just eat healthy and exercise but it doesn't help. The cravings are always there. Even if I eat just a little sometimes I do it because the guilt is always there. As little as people think I am I still see that same fat girl in the mirror, not to mention I'm even more disgusting now when all this extra skin I have from losing weight so rapidly. The doctors say it will never go away. Without it though i'd be just skin and bones. I want to stop but I can't. I believe I'm slowly killing myself, and what's funny I'm just as insecure now as I was back then. The only difference is now I can fit into jeans and little shirts. So all in all was all this even worth it for that!?

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program