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my greatest enemy

Before 8th grade started, I moved to a new school. I noticed how pretty and sknny a lot of girls were. Then there was me. Im not the fattest or skinniest or prettiest girl out there. Im just mediocre. Anyways, in the middle of the year, I began comparing myself to others around me. My friend pointed out that I have a tummy which made me really self conscious. I started a very strict diet by the time the year ended. During the summer, I would run all the time and eat less than X calories. People wonder how I managed to survive. I felt very weak and dead. I got really tired of my diet and started to have cheat days. At first they were pretty okay. However it started to spiral out of control. I tried to stop myself, but that didnt turn out so good. I tried to stop binge eating but that only worked for a little. I looked up ways to burn fat and lose weight online and led me to the idea of throwing up. Ive talked to my friends about this before too. They told me to never do it. I promised them... But that promise was hard to keep. in the beginning, throwing up was hard for me so I wouldnt do it a lot. By the time I got used to it, I started to throw up everyday after eating. I would rush to the bathroom and throw up as much as I can until my thoat would burn. My sister noticed my actions since shes trying to lose weight herself. Not by throwing up though. I got her really worried so I promised myself again that I would never throw up. Like before, that is a hard promise to keep. I started to throw up again whenever I could. I would feel so guilty after that. I asked myself why am I doing this? Why am I hurting myself? People didnt need to know about my habit, I thought to myself. However I felt so confined and alone. I told my closest friend about this. He was very nice and didnt judge me. He tried to help me out as best as he can. Now, I dont really tell him anymore cause im too ashamed of my actions. Like why should other know about this? Right now, I still face this problem. It's only been a little over a year since I remembered having these negative thoughts about my body. It wont be easy to overcome I know that. I always tell myself to start over and have a better tomorrow. That never really worked. Im scared to talk to my parents and friends. I dont want them to think that a skinny little girl who's barely 5'4 and just started high school would have these kinds of thoughts. I just puked before writing this.. And Im not sure if I will or will not tomorrow. I need people who can help me keep my head up high. Im still struggling with this, but hopefully I'll be able to recover. It's really not that easy.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of your-bulimia-recovery.com
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community


The Bulimia Recovery Program