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My First Confession - this is it - Jessicas bulimia story...

by Jessica

So this isn't easy. You all are the first people that I am telling. I just feel hopeless. And I don't want to be stuck like this anymore. That's how I feel. Stuck....

My freshmen year in college I gained 25 lbs in 3 months. Cause: the end of a 3 year relationship and some new found freedom. A 5'1" girl. Always tiny. My boss asked if I was pregnant. Enough!..

I had a book of what I ate every day (ex. 1 bite of bread). Run 2 miles in the morn. 2 at night + my caloric intake times 2. And 1 1/2 hours yoga and pilates midday.

Enjoying the compliments of the loss. Up the stakes. Days w/o eating and reward myself w/ a cookie or a buffalo wing.

Trying on clothes. My image in the mirror? Disgusting. My back went straight to my legs. Cried. Started to eat again.

Gained weight. Panicked. I would eat and feel SO guilty I would throw up. I would get jealous. I have a tiny frame. Can't eat much w/o getting full. I wanted to be like everyone else and eat more. I even said, "In other cultures & time periods, this is/was okay." ... So my bulimia was in full force by the time I transferred to UF.

My first 3 days at UF, I was raped by 2 boys I knew for years. One held me down while the other ... All down hill after that. Liquor to forget the memories. Which also makes you hungry -> eat -> guilty -> purge.

2 yrs later. Living with abusive boyfriend. Abortion. I decided I wanted to finally get rid of him, my guilt for the abortion, and my illness. The easy way out ... well, you know.

You have to be admitted to a clinic after an attempt. The panic of thinking they'd expect me to eat, but I couldn't purge there was unbearable. I'm a psychologist. I talked myself right out of there after 20 minutes. Knew what to say.

Now I meet prince charming. I did okay at first. Then I figured out how I could hide it. Showers. While he was at work. Replacement food. Danggg replacement food.

I'm buying replacement food. Then..eyes twitching like crazy. BAM! I had a seizure due to lack of potassium and "unknown causes". I can't even go to grocery stores now w/o panic attacks b/c of the seizure. I did okay for a few months after, but I had a wedding dress to fit into.

Anyway, I told myself, when my prince proposes I'll stop, when we get married I'll stop, when we move for his job to a new state I'll stop. After all those, here I am-a mess.

It's funny cause I wake up with him at all hours for his crazy work schedule. Warm up his car if it's cold outside. Make him breakfast, lunch and dinner. Do all the chores. I act like I would do ANYTHING for him . . . but I can't stop for him and I can't tell him that I am not perfect.

I want to be the perfect wife he thinks I am. I want to have children but I can't even consider it. I won't kill another baby. I HAVE to stop. I am tired of it. I am tired of my heart pain. I am tired of prilosec. I am tired of my jaws hurting. I am tired of having my head down a freakin' toilet. We don't have coverage for a Dr, so I need all of your help to get through this.

I reckon this is the first step.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program