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My fight with bulimia

by Celine
(the Netherlands)

Hi there, I am 17 years old and I have been dealing with bulimia for more than two years now.
As a child I was always very happy and spontanious, but als a big attention seeker. I remember pulling down my pants and undies in kindergarten, or climbing over the fences in the zoo just to get attention. It obviously drove my parents crazy but they never really gave it much thought later.
When I hit puberty at about the age of 12 my parents got divorced and I started dealing with lots of anxiety and severe depressions. I had gained quite some weight in just a year so I decided it would be best to start an innocent diet. But that soon got out of hand. I started to feel so good after eating healthy that I would eat less and less every day. My parents got really concerned and started controlling my eating patterns. That made me so angry that I would only eat less and less.
One day I felt so miserable after not eating for two days that I started have an uncontroloble urge to eat. I literally ate everything I could find. I even shoved peanut butter jars and raw pasta down my throat. I felt so sick and miserable afterwards that I felt like I had no choice but to throw up. Since that awful day I have never stopped binging and purging.
It's been over two years now and I've had better and worse weeks. No one arround me even has the slightest clue about what is going on with me.
Lately my binging and purging happen way more frequently. Everyday after school I start with allowing myself to have a small snack, but 9 out of 10 times that little snack starts my binging and leads to me purging. The worst thing of this all is the fact that I don't even care anymore. I sometimes even plan my bingings. I would go to the store to buy certain foods that make purging easier. And afterwards when my stomach is empty and I've smoked some cigarettes (my parents don't know that either) I just feel so great and relaxed.
I am really starting to hate myself for my bulimia and I can feel that I'm entering a downwards spiral by feeling more and more depressed and senseless all the time.
I'm dying to get out of this pattern of terrible and lethal habits, but I don't know where to start. I'm hoping to find some help here, so please feel free to talk to me!

p.s. Sorry for my bad English, my native language is Dutch!

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