My Fears and Struggles: A History
This is the first time I've ever shared my story, I've never told a single soul...I'm feeling better already! Phew!
Anyway, my problem began with hope--or high expectations, I should say. You see, when I was 16 I was infatuated with a lovely boy, and I dare say I loved him. He was always leading me on (that's the way I see it now) but he was never quite in my reach. One summer, I decided to transform myself into a thin, lithe, so as to catch his attention. It worked too- I felt better, and he nearly nabbed me. I felt I was so close...and then he chose someone else, a thinner, more popular girl, and just like that I was crushed. I had unwisely hinged all my happiness on a fickle human, I refused to eat and I could not sleep for three days. I was an intense teenager, and I'd always thought that if someone showed you affection, that they were being sincere--naïve, I know! I was a wreck, and all of my motivation to stay thin flew out the window. It was the first time I'd ever turned to food for comfort, to distract me from my edgy nerves and suffering.
Soon enough college began, and I was determined to build confidence and a successful academic career--honestly my intentions were very healthy! However, I'd always wrongly associated success with a flat stomach and tiny waist. The sad truth is, I wasn't happy unless I was skinny. I didn't pick up on this for the longest time. From past experiences I tricked myself into thinking that if I ever wanted to be treated well, to be someone's first pick, to be wanted---I'd have to be a pretty string bean. Even today I'm still struggling to convince myself otherwise, even though deep down I know I'm wrong. Anyway, I exercised extensively, ran for miles, and would eat next to nothing. At the same time I was undergoing copious amount of stress---my mom was ill, I was commuting 2 hours a day so I could go home and cook for my family, I had papers to write, etc. (you know how it goes). I developed anorexia, and was very strange about my eating habits. But During the holidays I did the unthinkable. I. Ate. A. Cookie. I panicked, and ran to the bathroom, where I threw it up. Never again I said, tomorrow I will be "good." The next day I ate 12 cookies and did the same thing. Upon remembering how good eating felt, I ate tons of sweets, and then hastily disposed of them : in the shower, in the sink, in my toilet, in the cat box. This went on for months. Finally I acknowledged my disorder, researched it and found this Ucking Fawesome site :). I've reduced my purging to basically NEVER ( it was hard, I have relapsed, but I always gain a more perspective and reasons not to do it when it happens). I've come a long way, but my poor self image is deep. Looking back I remember being unhappy with my body at age 8 :(. I'm done with purging, now I just have to find alternatives to emotional eating. You can do it, whoever is reading this, I almost have, just accept yourself and stop trying to please other people. You are already beautiful to them, so stop warring with yourself and start making peace. I don't know who you are but remember that I love you, and go hug someone the next time you want to purge. Remember the beautiful moments you shared with that person. Treat yourself as they would treat you!
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