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my ED story- and new found hope!

by Hannah
(Norfolk, England)

I am fifteen at the moment and in my last year of high school, my struggles with eating disorders all started in about january time 2010 when i was thirteen. Back then i was healthy and happy, i was a very enthusiastic outgoing person and quite popular in my school. Then loads of the girls in my year started to talk about going on diets and losing weight, I knew i didn't need to as i was very healthy and slim, i have always been a keen long distance runner so i was very fit too.

Because everyone else seemed to be dieting or talking commenting on calories, i became shocked at the amount i seemed to eat compared to others and didn't want to seem like a pig. So i started to restrict what i ate to 'normal' peoples portions. I decided to lose weight too as i thought it would make me more attrective and liked. I didn't want anyone to know though so i kept it a secret. I became obsessed with my food and size, and developed anorexia quite quickly. I would excercise as much as i could and go to bed exhausted.

By May time i had to be rushed into hospital with extremely low bodyweight, irrehular heartbeats, hyperthermia, low blood pressure, aneamia etc. I was attached to a cardiac montitor and drip for three days before being admitted to an eating disorders clinic. I did extremely well and came out after only three months! I really wanted to get back to sport and running, i was terrified of how unfit i'd be.

I went back to school i thought it would be great to be back to normal. But it seemed as though everyone had moved on whilst id been away people had moved on to new friends or got boyfriends and didn't seem to think about me. Also i still wasn't aloud to do any sport, and i got depression. I was depressed and started to lose weight again. So the dr told my parents to weigh me every day and if i lost weight i wouldn't be allowed to do any excercise!-even walking to school!This made me even more depressed and i wanted to run away so i started to self harm.

This went on for a few months. It was december and i went to the drs again (who i was seeing every week aswell as a therapist who i did not like at all) I wanted to run again as it's cross country season and thats my favourite time of year. He said i only could if i reached my target weight. So i got real motivated, i wanted to run!

I tried hard to put on weight and i did so steadily, then it was only like a week to go till the first race and i was thinking ' i must put on weight. i must put on weight' and i dont know what happened i just kept eating. The dr had said i must feel full in order to put on weight so i was like 'i must feel full i must feel full' I was horrified, i thought i would pop. i felt awful. So i starved my self the next day but eventually was able to run again.

That was my first binge. Binging was regualr after that, I would be weighed once a week, so after i was weighed i would think 'great! i can lose weight!' try to lose as much weight as possible in the next couple of days. Then binge in order to put it back on again to be weighed. But the binges got bigger and one day i felt like i would explode so bad and i felt so disgusted i had to get rid of it. I'd heard loads of things about people throwing up from my time in the eating disorder unit but had sworn i'd never do it. Anyway-i did. And i felt proud that i had. I felt releif. At some stage things turned round, I wanted to eat more and more. Binging and purging happened most days. Then everyday. Then multiple times a day. I had no control. And i started to feel the physical effects quite quickly (i think this is due to all the strain i put my body through by running- i train about five times a week but always do as much activity as i can. This is still from my anorexia, I have to burn as much calories as possible i even hate sitting down) my running performance got worse, i had headaches, sore throat, I got real scared when i went for a run once and had to stop due to really bad pains in my chest and tummy. So i knew i had to get better, i had to sort this out!

Then we broke up for the summer hols and went on holiday. and no- one knew i was now bulimic. And had been for the past few months. On holiday, we were camping so there wasn't really any food for me to binge on, i was tying to get better so this was good. However i did still pick whenver i could so i put on a bit of weight and looked a lot better. My parents were happy coz they thought i was finally recovering from anorexia. little did they know! Holidays, were ok, i did not feel the need to binge or purge, i wanted to get healthy! Then we had two weeks till i went back to school and i was terrified that everyone would think im fat and put on so much weight. So i started to purge again. And binge. And purge. I even bunked off school one day and cylced 50 miles without eating anything in order to lose weight. Of course as soon i got back home i automatically went straight to food. After the police had gone.

Any way, i have now got fed up with this. I hate the way my life has become. And i feel so ashamed and disgusted at how i am. I used to be extremely healthy! And now, well, im the exact oposite! I want to be happy and healthy again so bad. I've wanted it so much for a while but not been able to get myself out of the viscious cycle. Now ever since finding this web-site i have hope. I now see that it is possible to get better and break the habit, thankyou for sharing the light. After finding this web-site i actaully found it within me to tell my mum for the first time that i am bulimic. She doesn't understand i dont think and i find it really difficult to open up to people so i havent said much, but i told her. And i am very proud of that. it feels good to let out something.

Now i feel even greater for sharing with you my whole story, and i hope to have great news in the future. Now i have hope! I cant wait for tomorrow to try my best!

ps. sorry that was extremely long! i got carried away!

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program