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My eating disorder

by Hanna

I'm from Sweden. I'm 18 years old and have been sick for three years.
I started trying to loose weight when I was fourteen-years old. I cut up on food, trying to make myself as thin as possible. But it always ended up with that I "failed" my diet, that is to say: it ended up with that I ate a lot of food instead, due to starving. When I was fifteen, I tried to purge to make up for the food I ate. That was a huge, HUGE mistake. At first, I used to eat only ice cream after school as a "binge", then I purged. I got strange rashes around my mouth during this time. My mum asked me what it was..but she couldn't figure out so I said it was due to stress. The rashes looked awful.
After the summer when I started school again, I started to purge regurlary. No breakfast, just a little bit salad for lunch and then I got home and binge and purged a lot amount of candy, bread, cake, ice cream, butter and so on. I did not keep my dinner either, I thought I was going to get fat if I did. I thought my little trick to lose weight was wonderful - I mean: i could eat everything AND get rid of it! Although, you know.. I could'nt stop even if I wanted to ---- that is to say: SO OUT OF CONTROL!!!!! I didn't had time enough to see my friends or do workout or even do my homeworks..
All of my free time went to food. Buy food, eat food, purge food.
All of my money went to food, as well.

But.. once my mum caught me purging after breakfast. It was a saturday and she was at home. I was always saying that I was going to take a shower, but as a matter of fact I was purging up my sandwiches.

After she caught me --- I stopped purging! But I was still afraid of putting on weight.. So I started to count calories, and did not allow me to eat "too much". This laster for 1-2 years. Cause, it also got out of control! I couldn't eat anymore with out anxiety. I started cry when I felt forced to eat. The pounds dropped of my body, at the end I got a BMI of x. My parents threated me to begin a recovery at a eating disorder center. I refused to go there, I refused to have an eating disorder. So I said I was going to make my recovery on my own, at home. And now.. Bulimia came to my life ONCE AGAIN! But without purging at first. I just ate, ate, ate. And of course, putting on weight. And once I started.. I just couldn't stop. Food was my medicine to my deppression, to my feelings, to my feelings of my failed life.

As I said, I couldn't stop eat. Then I remembered.. I can purge! So yeah, now I'm in this fucking cycle again. I hate it. I'm normal weight now, but I can't stop eat. I can't stop purge. I can't tell my mum.. she thinks I'm healthy now, she is going to be so sad if I'm telling her I'm not.

Yesterday, we celebrated christmas eve here in Sweden with my family. Chocolate everywhere. Food everywhere... Guess what happened? Me, left on my own with the candy bowl upstairs when all the other people where downstairs, drinking coffee.

I'm so sick of this. Please help, I want to stop but I just can't..

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program