My Dominic addiction
As I lay in my bed, reading and analysing these stories, I'm left with the silent tears I've been hiding for quite some time. I am nineteen and have been trapped in this vicious cycle they call bulimia for almost six years. I am alone, and my only escape I feel is this blog. My body has gotton so used to the rejection of food and liquid it's almost instantaniously expelled from my stomach, I've gotton so good at hiding this illness that i am nearly a compulsive liar. That for me, is hard to swallow. Binge, purge, binge, purge, constantly consumed by the thought of food and then the following repercussions is overwhelming, from the moment I wake until I sleep the obsession is never ending; starving myself to the point where I can't handle the hunger pains anymore, to make up for the days i have spent overeating. The fear of losing my smile to erosion, the detriment it is causing my body,not to mention the decline of my mental health, sometimes brings me to tears and is always, always in tHe back of my mind, yet I cannot cease the addiction because the fear of becoming "fat" far outweighs the others. I want nothing more than to be free of this demon I seem to posses, though I'm literally petrified of gaining weight, it's a catch 22- recover from this illness, but gain the weight that caused this disease in the first place. I am 163cm and I weigh X kgs, Knowledge tells me this is thin, but when I look at my reflection I honestly see an overweight person, with a lot more to lose. The repetition of put downs and self hatred running through my head is exhausting, I remember waiting until i was in solitude, i ate a biscuit after days of starvation, panic set in after convincing myself i had just ruined the hard work so I ran to the bathroom and purged, one biscuit! All I kept telling myself was " your a fat pig, no control, noone wants you" the list could go on, and countless stories of shameful acts, that is simply to hard for me to admit in writing right now. The binge purge episodes can occur several times a day, all the while im hating myself, the "urge to purge" is unbearingly strong, and I am compelled to do so. The last year has been the worst, cliche as it sounds, I let my guard down, allowed myself to love a man, who belittled, abused and physcologically altered me, this triggered the bulimia into full throttle. after leaving him, all I have focused on is staying "thin" because if I dont want me, who else would? I read of recovery stories In the sheer hope that I could relate, not feel so alone, find a way out- yet I simply cannot see a light at the end of this tunnel, I'm drowning and no one truly understands the severity of this nightmare until you are chained to it. I am a slave to bulimia, caged in the depression and anxiety that it carries, I only pray one day I will wake up free.
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