my darkest deepest and most painful secret - bulimia
When I was in 11th grade I have vague memories of always being hungry-- never feeling full. I have a distinct memory of finishing my homework and inhaling a bag of milanos mindlessly, then realizing what I had consumed and feeling panicky about gaining weight. Around the same time, my older sister came to visit and visited me at my high school. I remember during lunch, she started devouring these little pizza bites, she kept getting up and going back for more. I remember watching her, thinking she was acting like an animal! As we were leaving school she said she had to go to the bathroom, and I waited for her for nearly 20 minutes-- when she came out, her eyes were blood shot and strained. It was in that moment that I realized what she was doing. I remember feeling so worried, extremely concerned about her-- wondering if I should tell my mom or dad, fearing she could die or wither away. And then, somehow, this awful, horrible disease clung on to me. I don't know if it was the shear awareness of it, the mystery of it, the lure of it... somehow I developed it inside of me. For about 5 years it was off and on-- I knew it was a background problem, but it was very much in the background. I could go months without doing it, and days without thinking about food. About a year ago, however, after going on a juice cleanse, it came back. This time it seemed relentless, and it has been getting worse ever since. At this point, is normal for me to binge and purge 5-8 times a day. I have circles under my eyes, my hair is falling out, I feel weak, angry, sad and full of grief. I have had suicidal thoughts. On bad days, death feels like it could be such a relief from this torturous way of life. It is full of pain and shame..physical pain and mental pain.. like a horrible monster that takes over the body. That's really what it feels like. I don't feel like myself, I don't recognize myself, and I can't even be there for my friends. It is so incredibly isolating. And I always think it will get better, I always tell myself this is the last time, and then it never is.
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