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My Dark Place - Bulimia

by Hannah

My junior year of high school was when I discovered that I was good at cross country and track. It was also when I learned about calories. I remember I was selling candy for a class and alot of it I bought myself to eat, but the sugar gave me a headache when I went to practice. I thought "wow I must have a headache from all the sugar I ate. I should eat healthier". From then on, I started paying attention to the nutrition labels in foods.

As I became more concerned with calories, I stopped listening to how my body felt and started to obsess over food, trying not to eat too much, restricting myself, which ironically let to some weight gain.

When the thought of throwing up crossed my mind, I told myself "I am never going to do that, it is dishonering the body that God gave me". But nevertheless, I let myself try it one day thinking it would be the only time. Each time I threw up after that I told myself "this is the last time". But none of them were.

In college my freshman year, I was surrounded by a team of skinny cross country girls and thought that my body type had to be the same as theirs in order to be good. I frequently found myself in a box of a dorm room eating my roommates food and then puking it out. I felt like I buried myself into a deep dark hole. I distanced myself from everyone and felt depressed and hopeless.

I felt like I wanted someone to help me and I told people one at a time what I was doing. I hoped that if people knew, they would be able to help me stop somehow. But this made me realize that I am the strogest person who would stop the binging and purging.

I am now a junior in college and I am still struggling with bulimia. I guess if there is a difference between an eating disorder and disordered eating, I have the latter as it is not severe. But I definitely know the horrors of what bulimia does and it IS emotionaly severe. My worst weeks would be binging and purgind once or twice every other day which is less than many struggle with. I even had a few months where it was getting better but right now it is currently not going as well. It is like a vicious cycle I'm sure you all know.

One thing that has been encouraging is this website and realizing that I DO have the strength to beat this. I think the biggest thing that would help me is try and help others struggling with the same thing.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program