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my bulimia/anorexia and my boyfriend

by di
(toronto)

I’ve been bulimic for about a year and a half, and I’ve been through anorexic phases throughout this period of time. I’ve recovered for about a month now. The issue I’m about to tell you is very important because I’m extremely confused about my relationship and I can’t decide what the right thing to do is on my own.
I went from being X pounds (I was always happy with my body at the time :S) to X…and I have big bones and a muscular body so you can imagine me looking much skinnier than X pounds . My boyfriend of 2 years has known me since I was at my regular weight, he’s loved my body and everyone would tell me how perfect my body was because I had curves with not much fat in the wrong places. But one day I told myself I’m going to lose a few pounds, and as I started losing more and more I realized how much better I feel being skinny, and I developed an anorexic mentality.
There’s no question that my boyfriend realized I’ve had an eating disorder..it was soo obvious that I was losing unhealthy amounts of weight so fast. I was so eager to keep losing weight, and I would even express my desires to keep losing weight to my boyfriend. He would occasionally tell me that I would still look good at any weight cuz I have a nice body regardless of my weight. What really doesn’t make sense to me is how my boyfriend NEVER tried to tell me to stop :S He didn’t exactly encourage it, but he didn’t seem concerned about my health. Whenever I would lose X pounds in like 3 days I would tell him how happy I am and it seems as if he was proud of me. I am thinking about this A LOT now because at the time I obviously didn’t think something was terribly wrong with me (since I persisted with my habits) but now that I look back to it I feel like a complete idiot and I cannot understand how my boyfriend just ignored my problem. He is a perfect boyfriend in every other aspect, so I am really really confused about how he could let me suffer from a serious health problem and see me disappearing into bones :S this is making me want to break up with him badly. But at the same time, he’s the only person (besides my parents) that actually cares about me and acts like he loves me to death , and our personalities are so perfect for each other. If I didn’t have him, I would be depressed and lonely and crying myself to sleep every night as I would before I went out with him. But I just can’t accept the fact that he KNEW about my ED and chose to not do anything to help me. He told me many times that guys hate scrawny girls and that they want curves on a woman’s body. I went from having beautiful curves to being FLAT. He wouldn’t tell me things when we were discussing my plans to lose more weight, just at random occasions. I can only assume that he didn’t want me to have a sexy body cuz that would attract other guys.
I can also imagine that he wouldn’t want to make things uncomfortable and awkward between us (since I made my anorexia obvious by eating very little, talking about losing weight all the time) so it would make sense from that point of view, as he wouldn’t want to make me feel stupid and unaccepted for the things I do. He avoids confrontations like that because he knows I don’t like facing embarrassing moments and I would probably be hurt at the time if he told me to stop losing weight. But, HOW THE HELL would he not CARE about my health??? My parents were freaking out, they thought I had a deadly illness for the longest time as they didn’t understand what I was going through, my friends were all telling me how concerned they are for me, but my own boyfriend, who loves me waay more then all my friends, pretended to be IGNORANT. I always valued him much more than any of my friends because I realized they are all fake and selfish and I pretty much cut out almost all my friends.
I’m so confused  please tell me how you would handle the situation if your boyfriend pretended he’s ignorant when it’s obvious that you’re suffering from an illness and you’re slowly killing yourself with your own hands? Thanks so much!

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of your-bulimia-recovery.com
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community


The Bulimia Recovery Program