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My Bulimia

by Jamie K.

Hi! My name is Jamie Knight. I am 17 almost 18 years old and have been bulimic since I was 11 years old. I've been to treatment as well when I was 15 up until I turned 17. Treatment stopped the bulimia because it was residential and I lived there for like a year. Crazy. I worked on ttoooonnsss of issues and learned a lot about myself, but I always felt like the binging aspect of my eating disorder never got solved! I was in treatment where there was NO possibility of a relationship, so I didn't care how much weight I gained...or so I thought. A couple months in I noticed that I still would try to control what I ate and then actually binge without purging. I ended up weighing myself on a break with my parents and discovered I had gained about Xlbs there. I WAS MORTIFIED. I then started becoming obsessed with exercise and tried to fix my eating...but it didn't help. But eventually, I had to leave treatment and I was fine! Until two months later when I was so upset with my binging that I was terrified of gaining more weight. So, I relapsed :(. That as well was mortifying, but also comforting. Then at least I could be skinny. Yes I may have lost Xlbs, but what has happened to my MIND is NOT WORTH IT. I met the man I want to marry (i'm mormon lol) in the early stages of my relapse and it affected our relationship SOOO much because of my insecurities and depression. We have been through toonss and are still together but are at a ultimatum point where we are praying to see if we should continue on towards marriage. I want nothing more in my life than to have a family of my own and be happy, successful, and INDEPENDENT. All of those things my family lacks. I have a mother who neglected me, a very depressed overweight father who never finished anything he wanted, and a very VERY controlling lonely grandmother who traps her family members to herself by enabling them to use her money. It's very, very sad and I refuse to be a part of it. However, my college work has suffered greatly this year due to bulimia and I'm absolutely terrified I will not be able to function normally in society or have the thing I want most, a family of my own with a HEALTHY mother and wife who is there for her family and influences them HEALTHFULLY. Right now God has lead me to this web site and to the idea that I must let myself eat what I would like (structurally of course) and to stop puking. I've suffered from self harm and drug abuse to because of my depression with bulimia. But today my grandmother (who I live with) found 3 months worth of binge trash in my closet and left it on my bed for me to find when I came home for lunch. She wasn't there, but I freaked out. I left her a note saying sorry, got some binged foods, and peaked out. But for some reason, I just couldn't bring myself to just focus on the binge. I cried in between bites and thought to myself," No! I'll never have my family or anything for that matter if I keep this up! But I'll get soooo fat!! " I got to the park where I normally throw up, but I had stopped eating and was bawling. I couldn't do it. I was uncomfortable from eating fear foods, but I just could not bring myself to throw up. I thought," I can not throw my hopes, dreams, goals, and life away anymore. And I know it was god and the holy spirit who let me know this with such intensity. I opened my lap top and one of Shaye's e-mails talking about how we need to let ourselves eat the fear foods to be free of the constant racing thoughts about food and how we might gain recovery weight, but it's worth it. I'm terrified go gaining weight. My self esteem has dropped tremendously, and i'm terrified my boyfriend will leave me if I do. I mean if he did he would be shallow and I shouldn't like him anyways..but I LOVE this man. I think he won't...I hope..but I feel like this is extreme insecurity and one of those situations where I need to do whats best for me and own it. To tell the truth, I am TERRIFIED. But, I know from treatment programs before...this is the only way. I feel god sent me here, had that message open for me to let me know what I needed to do. Now, I must push through my insecurities, pray, and have faith in myself and my life. Because of god, I've mustered the strength to be sober for 2 weeks and to abstain from any other destructive behavior other than b/p. I am sooo grateful for my heavenly father, Jesus Christ, and his atoning sacrifice. I know that is what has made this...the improvement and most of all the mind switch I've had happen. Shaye, I am ETERNALLY grateful for what you have done here. I am sooo excited to start this journey and to FINALLY obtain what I desire the most in life. You are such a blessing to the world!!! I know this plan, these tips, and the things that you say have brought you great peace in your life and I can't wait for the day I receive that as well. I am so grateful for you. But for now, I'm just dealing with the grandma and the meal plan! Wish me luck!
Jamie K.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
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