My bulimia struggle, today.
... It happened again.
Oh boy, there's just nothing like having that sweet toilet water mixture splash up at you during a binge/purge. I have the counters cleared now, my empty packages of ice cream; cake; frosting are all stuffed at the bottom of the trash can now, covered with "normal" trash. yes it's typical for me to dig through the trash. My stomach and intestines are protruding, great. Im not feeling so far on the road to recovery right now!
Atleast I can just sit here at home and think about things tonight. Think about me instead of the usual, blocking it out, puting on a fake happy face on my way to work (im a personal trainer) with the cold sweats and shakes from the usual vomit before work after the boyfriend leaves the house. Oh ya! that makes me a great fucking motivating personal trainer, go ahead, ask me for some good advice as to how to get your diet and body on a helathy track! haha funny.
I told my mom last week about how this is such a huge struggle for me every day. I told her some ugly stories about where I've been. Like when I was younger still living at home throwing up outside at night in holes I dug in the ground... or how I saw the holes dug up the next morning(s) by the dogs. Omg I feel like such a freek. She led me to decide that I need people to talk to who can relate, and are capable of offering the empathy I need. A narcissistic mother who still doesn't believe I am bulimic is not going to help much. However talking aloud about my issues does make them "real" to me.
My boyfriend on the other hand is much better with me and with my bulimia. I told hiom about it. He told me he would listen any time I needed to talk about it. He told me it would make me a better trainer because I would be able to relate to good/ bad/ and ugly habits easier. a couple of weeks ago we actually spent time at home and as usual I couldn't stop bored eating. I actually put it to him like this, "babe, I have eaten so much today I can hardly breathe, and I won't be able to fall asleep. I am going to go throw up now. Don't listen" He said, "okay. I am sorry hunny! do what you have to do, but we have to deal with this." I'm thinking thanks, I cant think about any one or any thing, or any issue right now until I throw up. Hold that thought, brb. I am such a freak. deal with this he says, ya I have been working on that for 6 years now.
This is my first post about my eating disorder ever... I doubt it will be my last.
Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to Bulimia Stories.