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My Bulimia Story

by Tanya
(Rabat,Morocco)

This is me in June, this summer.

This is me in June, this summer.

Once upon a time,there was a little girl of 6 years. On her first day of school a thin,beautiful and stylish girl walked into the auditorium. She was popular,she was smart,funny,pretty,perfect. The little girl felt ugly,disgusting. She was ashamed of her body,escpecially during swimming class. She always wore her swim cap,it made her feel safer. The little girl had nightmares at least 3 times a month, that she swoll up or became fat. It was her biggest fear. At christmas dinner the little girl would eat as much as she wanted, then feel so bad about it that she went and stuck her fingers in her throat.

6 years later, in grade 7,the girl became severly depressed after moving to Tashkent in Central Asia. Her daddy worked in the german embassy, so she had to move frequently. The girl cut herself, smoked, frequently drank. Everything to get rid of the horrible feeling she had day and night. She wanted people to know,to help,to look at her and know she exists. So,one day after eating her breakfast (2 bowls of Kellogs Frostis instead of the usual 1) the girl threw up in school. She threw up at lunch that day. And after dinner. She began writing in her food diary about her depressions and bulimia. She wasnt puking for the sake of loosing weight, she wanted people to know. She wanted poeple to care about her,but at the same time she was ashamed, embarassed and disgusted at herself.

In grade 8 the girl met Daniela Conrad. Daniela was naturally chubby-ish, very stylish and pretty. "If only she was skinny,shed be perfect," the girl always thought. They decided to go on a diet.

The girl came home, didnt even go into the kitchen to check what was for lunch. instead she turned on a movie in her room, brought 3 large water bottles and sipped on them for the rest of the day.

The next days Daniela and her would talk to each other about their fasting progress. Not to black out, the girl would eat a lemon, drink vinegar or eat a pommegranate.

After a few months both of them grew tired of not eating. They became obsessed about food. They tried chewing and spitting, but that didnt satisfy them for long. They began stuffing themselves and throwing up.
They would go to Daniellas house, eat and puke. Then come back,eat and puke. The girl and Daniella would go shopping for food, then eat it all and puke it all up. Then they would smoke a pack or two and get drunk on something. They also both cut theselves.

The girl kept a rope in her school bag. Just in case things got really bad, she had that rope to save herself form all the pain in the world.

The puking and fasting regime continued. The girl became a smoker, and Daniella and her got drunk every weekend and in school. To both of them, it felt amazing.

Daniella began frequently fighitng with her boyfriend and grew even more depressive. She soon started binging, and her throat being covered in wounds and her throwing up heaps of blood, she stopped puking. Soon Daniella gained back all the weight shed lost in all those months, and even a few kg more.

Meanwhile,the girl was getting thinner and thinner. She would eat an apple every second day. The days she ate nothing, she would binge and purge. The only thing she thought about in school was what she would eat when she would get home.

One night after puking for 1 hour in the shower her dad broke the bathroom door and found her in the shower with puke sorrounding her. He beat her until she got bruises.

All conntact with Daniella was prohibited. Her phone was taken away. She grew even mroe depressive.

In grade 9 Daniella had moved away. After having a huge fight,Daniella being jelous about the girls figure, she found a new best friend and Daniella moved away.

The girl became a serious chain smoker, and got drunk every weekend. She only partied,but worked hard for school. The girl had perfect grades,boys at her feet, amazing best friends. But the girl became obsessed about smoking. She was so affraid to smoke less because she knew poeople who quit gained weight. She needed to have at least 6 cigarettes a day not to gain weight. The girl stopped cutting, stopped vomiting,only once or twice a week. Someitmes more and sometimes less. She replaced these things with smoking,drinking and sex.

After visiting the doctor, making blood tests, IV´s,absolutely no weight gain,the girl began eating. She began eating only vegetables. Then she added fruits. Then bread. Then she began eating everything except for any fats,oils,dairy and anything prosessed or fatty. She still puked at least once a weak.

Now,2 years later,the girl is in grade 10. She never fully stopped puking. At least once a week she still did,whenever she felt full. Now,having moved to Morocco and being in a new school,due to all the stress she began puking at least once a day. She went down to 3 cigarettes a day and tried to quit during the summer, but of course it never worked.Due to all the stress the girl enjoys smoking a lot. She had nobody to get durnk with now, and no real friends. Only people who come and go.

A girl in school is skinny,beauitful,a model,popular and smart. I have a girl in my class who is said to be bulimic.I never properly stopped,I struggled for so long,and I know its an endless cycle. Every time I see someone not eating or throwing up purposely I do this too,because Im jelous. Im jelous of those who loose weight,feel hunger. Its the best feeling in the world. Feeling numb,having a headache,feeling your stomach completely empty,and then that nicotine flash...

Im 5 foor 3 and Xkg. I think Im fat. Im ashamed of my body.
im a bulimic chain smoker and trying to recover by myself,because nobody would understand.Theres nobody with an eating disorder (at least that I know of FOR SURE) but me. I feel so alone...

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of your-bulimia-recovery.com
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community


The Bulimia Recovery Program