My Bulimia Story...
My name is Melanie. I am 27 ½ years old and I have been Bulimic for 11 ½ years.
Several things may have triggered my bulimia but in all honesty it was actually started because I wanted to lose weight but didn’t know how I could because I loved food and eating so much. I have always loved food and enjoyed eating, I had tried diets or abstaining from eating and it never worked. Bulimia seemed like the perfect solution to my problem ‘I could have the best of both and get the results that I wanted’.
The first time I threw up would have been mid April 2011. I was watching an episode of Home and Away, one of the characters ‘Jade’ had developed Bulimia. As I was watching the show it occurred to me that what she was doing seemed like such a good idea ‘she could eat whatever she wanted and still lose weight’. I was sold on the idea. After dinner I went into the shower stuck my fingers down my throat and tried to make self sick – It didn’t work. So I stuck them down further and kept going and going – initially only saliva came up. In the end my face was pounding, my eyes were bloodshot but I managed to get my dinner up – I pushed it down the drain with my hands and feet, poured some shampoo down after it in hope that it would mask the smell and went into my room. I can do this I thought – I can make this work. I was excited and happy to have discovered this – I believed that I could live with this. I wanted it. I welcomed it. I was excited to be this – it’s something I have never imagined that I would or could be. I felt smug with satisfaction that I had cottoned onto this great idea.
That first yr was a roller coaster introduction into the world of eating disorders. I alternated between starving myself, restricting my food and flat out binging. I would throw up anywhere – showers, parks, toilets, bushes, containers under my bed, shopping bags in the living room at night so no one would hear me, sinks, baths, bins, playgrounds ANYWHERE I COULD. The first few months were a struggle, I would lose weight but then gain some back – my goal of cracking x kg seemed impossible.
Then I became friends with Erin, she was the ultimate ED guru. She filled in the missing gaps about calories, fasting, pro ana websites. We became friends fast and bonded over
Within 18 months I had lost weight, my period, my happy zest and my sparkle. I was lying to everyone. Fighting with my family. Misbehaving at school. Experimenting with drugs and being bad in just about every aspect of my life. I was possessed by the desire to be skinny and to be noticed for it. I revelled in it – I had never been thin – tormented since I was young called ‘fat cat in kindergarten school play when I wasn’t even fat. Made to feel like boys never found me attractive or thought that I was good enough. I felt better about myself when I was thin, more confident, pretty, satisfied with myself.
The first two years of being ‘sick’ were the worst, primarily because I actually became so physically frail and mentally ill from it all. I weighed around x kilos and was under care as an outpatient of a psychiatric hospital. The spotlight was on me and my illness and I was under considerable pressure to get better – I was also so depressed and miserable that I genuinely wanted to feel happy again. I could never have imagined just how hollow and numb I would feel that night when it all started, I can’t believe that I was excited for this.
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