My bulimia story
I'm 26 and have been suffering with bulimia for almost 5 years now.
I have had a lot of upset in my family (not things happening to me personally) but I would have to help in a lot of area's and watch things happening that I couldn’t control. I have also had image issues, where friends were a lot skinner then me and always looked better then me (so I thought).
My bulimia began at a time when things at home went from bad to worse. I believe it began so that I could feel in control over something that was happening around me (to me it turns out). And maybe because I felt I needed to have something wrong in my life because I could see other people's problems...
Either way it has happened and now I want to be free from it.
A year and a half ago I met a great man and we have been together ever since, after 5 months of being with him, I felt I needed to tell him because of my mood swings and I didn't want to live this lie anymore... I wanted to be free from it. I felt ashamed when telling him and didn’t understand why he still wanted to be with me afterwards. But how he dealt with it and stood by me, made me feel stronger. I went to see my GP, got referred to a eating disorder clinic for monthly sessions and was doing brilliantly for about 6 months (discharged myself after about 3 months). However it came back again and about 6 weeks ago I took myself back to my GP. I’m still waiting for my second referral and I'm not going to discharge myself until they think I should. I want to follow this through and make sure I get the treatment I’m entitled to.
I have been doing great with not being sick for the past 5 weeks, I'm managing my food with smaller portions and if I fancy something I will have it but just less of it. I also love exercising but before I would get so down (and become snappy at people) if I didn’t go for 1 day. Now I’m trying to tell myself its good to have those breaks, it gives your body the rest it needs...
I want to understand it's ok to eat and to exercise without feeling bad all the time or giving myself a hard time.
Also my paranoia is causing problems and I'm wondering if that’s because I'm controlling my purging, that the paranoia will try and control me. I almost got our relationship ended last night and it was the scariest day of my life... I love my partner so much and I know he feels the same way. However, I often wonder why he's with me and think he will leave me...
He has never gives me the impression he will leave me and I know it's all in my head... But if I carry on like this I will lose him. He is the person who made me want to be free from bulimia and the person who made me feel strong enough.
I want to be able to deal with things in a normal way, rather then get so irrational and blowing things out of proportion.
I want to feel beautiful when I look in the mirror and have the odd ugly days that everyone gets.
I want to say I feel good without feeling bad that I'v said it.
I just want to be free from this altogether... I know I can do it but I also know I need a little help along the way.
I'm going to start reading up about it a lot more and writing about it... I'v also told some of my family members and friends who I feel I can trust... So I have people who will listen. They might not completely understand but they are great at listening... And I'm praying to god this helps me get through this.
A RESPONSE FROM SHAYE
SO wonderful to have you post your story on my website... It is truly inspirational!
I loved your story because YOU are taking the initiative to get the help you need
. And, this means that you 100% want to recover from bulimia. If you want it badly enough - you will get it... and be free once and for all. You are doing so well with your recovery - and I have to ask you not to be too hard on yourself... Bulimia recovery takes time and it sounds like you are well on track...
Just keep on at it!It is very common for bulimics to become irrational and over react to things. Often, we're living on a knife edge so it takes little things to trigger us off.
Maybe try to discuss this with your partner and explain to him that this is why sometimes you react in an 'over-the-top' way. Tell him you really are working on it and ask him for his help. Perhaps when you start doing it again he can just hug you and calm you down... And reassure you that things are okay. When you feel yourself getting irrational again, take a deep breath and whatever you do - don't say anything before you had sat quietly and thought abut it for a few minutes. Think of it is you, or your bulimia that is feeling angry.
I think your idea to get back into treatment and keep at it for a longer period of time is wonderful. Essential actually. 6 months often isn't enough to break the strong bulimia cycle. My therapy lasted closer to a year.
I'd really love it if you would keep me posted with your progress... I have a feeling that you are going to inspire many people to get help and begin their recovery.
Keep up the awesome work.
All the love,
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