My binge eating story
Binge eating is a complete horror. It feels good at the time,
releasing myself from my restrictions and eating what I think I love to eat till I feel physically sick, but I end up every single time crying, curled up in a ball, and hating myself with a passion - so then comes the purging.
Its embaressing when I end up binge eating in the company of others, at certain events where food is available in huge quantities. My friends will look at me and comment 'someone's hungry', to which I just sheepishly nod, laugh it off and keep eating. But really I'm dying inside.
The other night my friend had a pizza/movie night for her birthday - I must have eaten a whole 14 inch pizza, or more! Let alone slice after slice of rich chocolate cake, and handfuls of maltesers. I had to pretend I was receiving a phone call so that I could leave and purge it out. I realise how upset my friend would have been if she had only known what I had done.
When I i'm completely alone I can eat as much as I want, so usually more than I would if I was with other people. But I still feel the same embarrassment, shame and utter disgust with myself, and to feel so out of control and helpless is just a nightmare.
I look at other people enjoying junk food, and stopping when they are full, and I just can't understand how they do it. I find it impossible to relate to their way of eating, and I begin to think of myself as defective or 'not right'.
I have been seeing a phsychotherapist to help with my disorder for only 2 weeks, and we have been talking and trying to figure out the route of my problems. I never figured out that it was mainly emotional until I started to acknowledge my bad feelings and problems and really think about them, and this way we can already see a link with my 'bad days' in bulimia, and my better days.
I'm thinking this is a positive step forward, and a whole world of hope for myself and my parents, who suffer as much as I do with me coping with this difficult eating disorder.
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