my bilimia :$
by confused english girl
Well, here goes, I've never told anyone about my "double life" so I'm not really sure what to say, but I guess just want to let go in hope it might help somehow....
I am 16 and I've been bulimic for at least 5 years, I remember it starting out as more of an experiment, I had always been self conscious, always dressing in big jumpers to cover up any extra flub, but nothing (that I can think of) triggered my first purge. I've now realised that was the worse "experiment" I ever did!
Binging and purging, and I'm sure others can relate, is now just an addiction! I remember thinking to myself 'I'm not bulimic, if I was then I wouldn't be able to stop, but I can I just don't want too' that was until I really did try to stop, that was when I realised my illness was out of my hands now, I've been trying to overcome my illness by myself since then (and that was a good 3 years ago)
I'll go for days or even weeks without eating at all and I'll finally feel happier with my body, my clothes look better I feel confident(ish) with my looks so I let myself have a treat, that's when the cycle starts all over again. I've forgotten what a normal meal is now, I don't know when to stop, I'm so used to eating such a large quantity of food that I can barely tell when I'm full now. During a binge I feel as though im in a trance, I can't control myself :(
Bulimia has impacted me emotionally the most, I'm 16 I should be out having fun but I often find myself making excuses to my friend as to why I cant go out, just because I am too ashamed by the way I look in my clothes, it's humiliating.
I'm scared that recovering will result in me putting on more weight then what I am already. I mean sometimes I like the feeling of not eating, I feel I have finally achieved something! But it never lasts. I do get boys attention and my friends compliment me but it never gets through and I don't believe it ever will (its frustrating really) baaaahhhhjehjqf I dunno, I feel lost and guess I would just love it if I could talk to some people about it, I don't want to be like this forever, its ruining my life!
thanks for reading,
love from, confused English girl ;)
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