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My Battle with Bulimia

by Rachel

It all started when I was about eleven years old. I was always thin, but I wanted to be thinner. I wanted people to say,"you're so lucky you're skinny!!" and "you skinny little thing". I didn't want to be average... I wanted to be skinny thin. One day when I got home from school, I went to my cupboard and ate.. And ate... And ate. My stomach hurt from all of the food. I then thought that I'll never get thinner like this... And then it hit me. All I needed to do was purge. I did it three times that day. This continued for the next few days until my mom took me to the doctor. I had lost X pounds. Of course, I was overjoyed! X LBS!! I lost X pounds in three days. The doctor said she didn't know what was wrong with me. My mom then became very observant of what I ate. No more binging for me. Then, a year later, I started up again. I wanted to be all bones.. No fat, as crazy as that sounds. I would throw up so many times.. Until about a week later and it STOPPED WORKING. I couldn't throw up anymore... I would gag really hard and eat a lot, but nothing would come up. After that, I turned half anorexic, counting every single calorie and cutting way back on my caloric intake. My mom kept asking me, "did you eat breakfast? I didn't see you eat breakfast". Of course I would then make up something and say "oh.. Ya I had a bagel." but- I didn't have a bagel.. Too many calories!!! All those carbs.. I would die eating something like that. I got off my anorexia stage months later, but whenever I ate anything.. It could be even a few grapes, my stomach would kill. The stomach aches hurt so bad.. My stomach would get bigger after eating just a small thing. I researched it and found that my stomach is most likely messed up from being a bulimic. I then googled about bulimia and the facts that people actually DIE from this, and it takes everybody a different amount of time. I didn't want to die- so I stopped. It was harder than I thought. It was as if I was a druggie and bulimia was my drug. To this day, I'm still mentally recovering. I still want to be thinner, and at times, try to almost starve myself. I just wan to be thin as a model- and stay a size X for the rest of my life. Although, being tall doesn't really help with that. Bulimia has a recovery process, but I think there will always be something inside of me that looks in the mirror and feels disgusted that my ribs aren't showing anymore, and that gaining two lbs in one year when I grew two inches.. It just felt disgusting to me that I wasn't super thin. Sometimes I think, if I never had that thought the one day, maybe I wouldn't be damaged for life.. And maybe I wouldn't be a bulimic.. Recovering or not. But sometimes, I just think that maybe I would have been this way anyway, and I'll be this way forever.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
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