I am 30 years old and I am a bulimic since I was 16. I have had years that I didn´t B/P, years that a B/P only a little (like twice a month)and years that I did it more often. This year is a "more often" type of year.
I am a thin girl (that is what everyone thinks) but I always feel fat. Why I don't know. I look like a "perfect" woman from the outside (I think that i am an overachiever also), I always had high grades in high school, in the university, be good at sports, I have been a teaching in universities for 6 years and recently became a professor and now I am almost finishing my PhD in Science. I have great (better than great) parents, a lovely family, really really good friends, and a boyfriend that is incredible. All of them love me so much. But I am not satisfied, I still think that I am not as good as I should be, and I punish myself for not reaching the high expectations I have for myself.
I live a healthy life just for the tiny detail that I am a bulimic.
When something do not go as I expected, I need food as a crazy person. Lately, it has been very hard for me reconcile: having the kind of life that I have AND having an eating disorder. Every time that I B/P, I feel that I cannot do anything next, I have to stay locked in my flat, I do not want to see anyone or to do anything. And days go by that I just eat and nothing more...
I always feel guilty. ALWAYS. I feel guilty for wasting a lot of money on food and wasting so much food... that I would then purge. There is SO many people starving in this world. What kind of fucking selfish person I am? A lot of people deal with REAL problems and I just decided to invent one for myself. I feel guilty because I have been given much (I do not have the problems that I had read here, girls that really have faced a difficult life), but I still have managed to develop this illness. I truly feel that I am an idiot. I have a lot and yet I don't care a shit and I hurt myself every time I can. I don't know why I hate me so much. Hope someday I will find why, so I can truly root out this thing that consume me and change me to someone I am not.
It is the first time that I admit that I am bulimic. But lately, when I have an episode, I feel so sad, so tired, I hate myself so much that I decide that is enough. Enough wasting: wasting food, money, wasting my life. Enough lying. Enough with taking everything for granted. Enough with hating me.
It is unbelievable. It is really as you described here... as if someone else is in your body, as you are no more in control. And it is so funny and ironic because a lot of us started this monster just to be in control of our lives.
What I am doing now is to think what was the real cause of my illness and I think that is low (very low) self-esteem. What happened in our lives that let us with the thoughts that we are not capable of being happy, of defeating this horrible illness??? I am in this process now... understanding why I feel like this.
Thanks for giving me the opportunity of saying out loud that I have a problem, a serious one. Just saying it and sharing with you, give me more strength to become a normal eating person.
Someone trying really hard
Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to bulimic letter.