Mum dad, I need your help
I can remember the day my eating disorder began like it was yesterday, it was a couple of weeks after I came back from holiday and I had gained a lot of weight and I looked in the mirror and thought to myself I have to lose this weight. i remembered a time when I was 10 where I starved myself to lose weight very quickly and I thought I would try that again. The sad thing was that I think I actually wanted to become anorexic, I thought it would be cool not to want food. I almost want to laugh at my innocence back then and the expectation I had for an eating disorder.
So my calories slowly dropped from X to X to X where they stayed for a while, X became my safe number and still is! This time was definitely different from my 10 year old eating disorder if you could call it that because I became fixated on calories.
I was losing weight at a good speed, about X pounds per week and I felt great, i went from X pounds to X in about 3 months! Then came my problem, when I tried to recover which lead to bunging as my body was so desperate for food, I did not understand this at the time and thought I had lost all of the brilliant self control I was so proud of! It all came to a head on new years eve when I had been to the cinema with my friend and for a buffet and I had pigged out so much that I tried to purge, if I could take back one thing in my whole life it would be that! I didn't really get much up at first but gradually I began doing it more and more until it became a habit, a daily habit! I would sometimes even purge before school aswell as once or twice after school. I did manage to stop it for a while and I tried to get fit and eat X calories a day, but I failed. I remember sunday I had been out for lunch and I felt full and something clicked inside of me, like a switch and I decided to purge again. It felt so good to finally give in. Eventually it got worse and worse until I couldn't really keep anything in my body. We'll see where it goes from there won't we. But a message to everyone DO NOT PURGE. You can never just do it once!
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