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more than 10 years torture

by Maria

Hm, from where to start. Evereything started when I started school. Most of my childhood I spent with my grandparents in their village as my parents were working full time and it was hard for them to cope with both work and me. I had love, lots of it, as well as healthy eating habits.Then time for school came and there I had this unlimited access to all processed food which weren't often seen in my menu previously. I got fat and with that came all my doubths in myself as well as lack of acceptance from other children, at least the boys treated me quite harsh. At the age of 14 I started the moon diet, I starved one day a week and managed to lose weight, but not a lot and not much changed. Then the first year in high school finished me, boys ignored me, not only because I was chubby but also because I didn't know how to behave myself around them and preffered to stay away. I gained a lot of weight , started buying kilograms of food and eating it, hiding from my parents. Sometimes I purged, sometimes not.Someway managed to find mixed gender company and had a great time, but still suffered from the thoughts that I'll never have a boyfriend. When I was 16 I started the Dukan diet and lost a lot of weight, I looked great. don't remember what gave me the strength or the motivation, but I was so strict so much time, it makes me feel even worse now that I ruined it.After 5 months and X kg down I started binging and purging again. At that time I felt in love but didn't get the love back. Anyway found another boy, who as I see now was just a replacement but we had a lot of problems. I started gaining again. Then I left my home country as well as him and moved to England to study. This was the end. During this first year in uni was my lowest points.Wasted a lot of money on food, even sometimes I was taking some food from my flatmates (then buying it back)I felt disgusting and helpless all the time. Coming back to my country in the summer to my old friends I felt even worse and more ashamed that I have lost control.I was 21 and I was a virgin, which at this point made me feel even worse, so I pressured myself to sleep with a friend and ruined our friendship. The stupidest thing I have ever done. The second year didn't change much but I decided that it's England, the lack of social life there, the bad weather so I took a year exchange in another country. Now I had the best opportunity in my life. There are people who enjoy being with me, don't have much work, have a good place to live and still binge and purge. I am overweight but it's not something that I can't deal with in a half a year or a year, just can't find the strength to stop eating. Even if I diet I am thinking what I am going to eat after an hour, what I am going to eat tomorrow, look myself in the mirror and hate it , even if I have lost a kg. I am starting to isolate myself again, not to mention that I can't speak with the boys I like because I don't want them to pressure them to deal with someone they don't fancy (cause I feel that no one can like me that way) I feel helpless, I need a hug but how to say my story when it sounds so embarrassing...

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program