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Mommy, I'm kind of ill

by Belle
(the Netherlands)

I don't really know what I have. You'll probably laugh at me when I say this, but I'm kind of scared to die. I don't know if I should tell you. I'm not dying, like, right now so don't worry or anything.

I'm not pregnant and I'm not on drugs, before you start wondering. I think I'm something like, disordered. I hate some words so much that I can't even write them down.

Remember how you said this a while ago: "With everything you eat, it's a miracle that you're still so skinny." Well, miracles don't really exist you know? And I could now awkwardly say I'm not skinny at all because I really am still heavier than my friends but that's not the point here. The point is that there are reasons that I'm not noticeably gaining weight.

The first reason is that I don't eat lunch and I often don't eat breakfast.
The second reason is that I count calories everyday.
The third reason is that I use the laxatives you buy me to prevent weight gain.
The fourth reason is that I sometimes throw up my food.
The fifth and most dangerous reason is that I stopped taking my insulin because I wasn't losing anymore weight.

I'm sorry mom. I can't stop this. Your love won't heal this, if it would be about love I wouldn't have been ill in the first place. I tried so many times to stop restricting, to stop starving myself, but when I finally did I started binging and purging and it all got into this huge mess and everything is just all over the place and all I want to do is eat and eat and lose weight and starve myself and I know this is ridiculous and I know that I should know better but I am not in control of this. It's controlling me.

Therapy is not an option because it won't work for me to randomly see someone. It will just add to the list of things I have to do that just don't fit into my schedule and another person for me to prove myself to in this sick way of trying to lose weight.

Mom I'm really scared and I don't want you to tell dad about this. I just don't and if you will I will never trust you again. Just get this out of me, help me. I'm nothing but this. I am to eat or not to eat and I just want to be me again.

I need someone to force me to eat. To take my insulin. To keep my food in. To stop counting calories. And it scares me to say this because the thought of someone being in charge of my eating schedule makes me so nervous I might throw up, and I don't mean intentionally throw up.

I need help.

And I'm really really sorry for disappointing you and dad.
I just really want to be like my friends.
And manage my life.
Not have ADD and diabetes and fat.
And just be perfect.
And somehow I became everything but perfect in the process.

And please don't be sad because we're going to get help now.
And it will get better and I really want to live.
I really want to fight to make you happy.
So don't be sad.
This is just a challenge.
You just need to get someone to take care of me and then let it go for a while, and don't worry about me.

And please don't try to be the one to help me because I can't disappoint you and it will only result into major fights and too many problems. I need professional help, I need to be away from the life I can't manage, just for a while, to get myself strong and clear enough to face life again.

Will you do that for me? Will you find me a place where I can spend all my time on fixing this problem? Because it will need all my time and strength and I can't deal with school or family or friends or even cleaning my room while I'm fixing myself.

And I will fix myself, with some help.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program