'Miss perfect' of the world, or princess of a Kingdom? Finally taking a stand.
by Princess B
I'm a straight A student, I'm the leader of several different clubs, I play music and I'm a talented writer too. I come from a well off family, have several friends and currently a wonderful loving boyfriend. I'm recently baptized, and on the whole, when people look at me they think iv got it all figured out.
But if they really knew me, behind the smiles and the achievements, the titles and the grades, I'm just a scared little girl.
I'm scared because to me the world is such a strange incomprehensible place. I don't understand why people say the things they say and act the way they do, especially when it hurts others. I'm scared because i don't understand too many things about this world, why things are the way they are and why there are so many rules, measures, systems to live up to. Society scares the living hell out of me, it suffocates me and represses me. I know within myself that i am too afraid by it, so my self defense mechanism is to prove as much as possible to others that iv assimilated the standard rules and measures too. Sometimes its not so bad,but mentally and emotionally its often destroying me.
I started bingeing when i was about 12 to try fill in the emptiness i felt inside, i would eat anything and everything in sight just to feel a little better about myself, but soon after when i was bloated and full i felt repulsive and pathetic, and the disastrous solution i came up with was to just purge and puke it all out. Purging it out made me feel as if i had control over the situation. Like, i will eat like a fat girl, but i wont let myself get fat, and for that I'm pretty in control aren't i?
Then soon, it started getting the better of me, and bulimia literally began taking control over my life.
When i was kneeling in front of toilets during Christmas, birthdays, weddings, parties and dates, making up excuses to run to the bathroom after every single meal i ate at school and at home, i realized I had completely forgotten how to eat and live like a normal person.
But the cycle of bingeing and purging just felt too strong to ever break. It had become a part of me.
The funny thing about bulimia is that it can be covered up so damn well that no one has to know. You feel as if its your own neat careful secret. It became this private classified act between me myself and i, where i was free to be as repulsive as possible and no one had to know about it. Its disgusting how i even felt proud of myself for keeping the secret so well under wraps. No one ever suspected anything, and i was confident that no one ever would.
Still, I know bulimia is a disease, and that it wasn't normal. So i tried disclosing my secret to a couple friends whom i genuinely trusted, but their reaction stunned me. To them, they thought i was just making up a story to seek attention, that i was being hypocritical and petty and even shallow. I was completely crushed by their reaction and from that moment on assured myself that no one would ever understand so i just had to keep it to myself, it just had to be my own private little secret.
I became more and more secretive and elusive, and managed to convince myself that i was the one in control, and i knew what i was doing, i never had to involve any one ever again.
As a result, i developed a completely self destructive behavior, which reached its peak when i started secretly drinking, seeking comfort and acceptance from guys who clearly only wanted to use me physically and even for the first time in my life I took drugs. Someone looking at this situation would think that i was a stereotypical pathetic teenage girl.. if only they knew i was just so desperate to seek solace even if it meant lowering myself to such a level.
But when it got too much, i had to snap back into reality and remember my morals. I was not going to fall into the depths of drugs and alcohol and i was not ready to give up the precious gift of my virginity just on some lowly bargain to feel temporarily accepted. But although i managed to remove myself from that momentary destructive lifestyle, i was still bulimic.
Bulimia is really a battle within yourself, a fierce and violent battle. From a christian perspective, i felt like being bulimic was a sin. That i was shallow, hypocritical, ungrateful, gluttonous, greedy, and selfish. I felt like it was evil and that i would definitely be punished for it. And so i tried time and time again to stop being bulimic fearing divine punishment, but it is just too much of a difficult task to do on your own.
I didn't understand where i had gone so wrong, why couldn't i just stop? I was praying about it wasn't i? Why wasn't He helping me overcome this?
That's when i realized, i was praying for the wrong reasons.. instead i should be praying for strength and courage to have faith that he has the full power to heal me. To heal me mentally and spiritually and to fill the emptiness i have inside.
Gradually I am learning to stop polluting myself from garbage from the media, and other dictated societal expectations, and instead iv began taking in the blessings He has laid out for me.
He has shown me that i should be careful about the people i surround myself with, and that i should strive to be in company that builds me up not breaks me down. He's helping me see that i have been blessed so abundantly with family, intellect and a loving personality. He's helping me realize that there is so much more to life than the suffering, and that with relentless faith in Him i will be able to overcome this :)
I am living proof that this society can easily break the hearts and souls of the most vulnerable people: children, and more specifically, little girls. I was broken when i was too young and weak to realize it was happening. We should all be careful how much we let the world control our lives and that of defenseless innocent children. My experience with bulimia has also helped me learn a valuable lesson, that no one is ever better than the next. The front that people put up on the outside will never be enough to reflect what they go through inside. Iv learned that it is NEVER right to let yourself judge another person, you have never been in their shoes and never will be. Instead of being a critic or a gossip you should always love and accept people in all their glorious imperfection. I've also forgiven everyone that ever wronged me. Still, I'm fully aware of the fact that I'm not perfect, and that i have made so many mistakes... i know iv hurt others by many of my actions, and by all the lies I've told. But i am deeply sorry for all of them and i hope that they will one day forgive me too.
I'v learned that I am beautiful, because i am the design of the perfect creator, and nobody can ever take that away from me :)
I trust and believe that all these realizations are not the end but the beginning steps of a life long journey towards complete salvation.
So my testament is that I am not a failure, I'm just a product of a sinful world, but in His love and mercy i can be made anew! And if a soul like mine can be redeemed from the tight possessive grasp of evil, there's no reason as to why yours can't be rescued too!
He whispers to me through His love and blessings every day reminding me: 'Sweetheart, you don't always have to be little miss perfect to the world. Because you're already the princess of a kingdom, the daughter of the mightiest King. You are mine alone and mine forever. I know you can fight this, its just a matter of time. Don't let this world win the battle of your soul, armor up and defend your rightful place in eternity'
Ephesians 6:10-18, Philippians 4:13.
Be blessed, live, laugh and enjoy this beautiful life!! Xx