Memory loss and problems at work due to bulimia

HI Shaye

I am now nearly 6 months since regular B and P with about 3 or 4 relapses in that time. I had bulimia for 6 years. Now I am feeling so much better in body and mind, the b & p was making me extremly depressed in the last year or so especially.

I am still my harshist critic and although I haven't gained any weight there are days when i look in the mirror and see a horrible fat monster, and others when I do actually think I look ok.

My main problem now is I can't remember much about when my bulimia was really bad - mainly last year - the side effects seemed to get worse as the years passed. I can't remember coversations I had with my boyfriend, especially if they were arguements and when I was at work and stressed out I couldn't remeber whether I had done work or not or anything. All I could remember was one or two toilets I had visited.

Now it has been found that I made some serious mistakes at work last year and I am in trouble about it. I had already told them about the bulimia back in January this year and we are in the middle of getting specialists opinions as to whether the mistakes relate to bulimia. But when they ask me about things I did I can't remember very well and I feel really confused about last year as i was absolutly at my worst and was thinking about binging and purging 95% of the time. I feel pathetic saying I can't remember but I know these mistakes wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for the bulimia. I am worried the specialist won't understand and they will think it was all my fault. Any one with bulimia will know how strong the drive of it is and the obsession that makes everything else fade into an irrelevant haze. When I try and remember the time it is like trying to remember a really confusing dream. I felt like I was in that dream like state for much of the last 6 years. It is only now that I have been free for 6 months that I look back and can't believe I am still alive!!

Anyway has anyone else had anything like this? Do you think the specialist will be able to relate this to bulimia? I don't know whether the memory loss and confusion is to do with the denial part of the illness or a more medical thing like because of exhaustion, I think a bit of both. Any ideas?

I am really worried I am going to lose my job just as I am starting to recover :( I am really worried about this and its making recovery harder.

Thanks Emma xxx