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Meghans Bulimia Story

by Meghan
(Michigan)

Just because.

Just because.

I'm so sorry, Meredith, Ellen, Alex... and others who try to get close to me,



I am bulimic, and I feel like you probably have a feeling that I am. It's funny, this part of me that is bulimic is convinced that it outwits everybody, that it's virtually undetectable. This part of me is absolutely convinced it has everybody fooled! Well, not absolutely convinced, there is the whispering dread that my housemates suspect something...

I feel so guilty; no, so terrifyingly ashamed of my habit. It paralyzes me. Sometimes I sit near my door listening to my housemates talk when they are in the kitchen. It's like; "Oh, they're in the kitchen so they must be talking about me and my weird eating habits because I have weird eating habits. I know I do! I'm so bad. I'm so wrong. I'm so sick...."

The thing is, I am a bad person, because I steal so much of their food. At night, when they all go to sleep, I tiptoe into the kitchen and rummage around to see what I can find. Anything will do! Peanut butter is my worst enemy. I've gone through at least seven things of peanut butter since moving into this house a month ago. Peanut butter with honey. Meredith loves honey... unfortunately, so do I when it is mixed with peanut butter. I feel so ashamed that I go through so much of THEIR food and barely buy enough of my own food when I go to the store.

I feel so guilty and horrible that I let this part get out of control and nab at things that aren't mine. I have no respect for their boundaries and their belongings. I know this is in part due to the fact that I was never able to set boundaries for myself. So Ellen put all of her snacks into a grocery bag one day, to politely let others know this was her post-practice snack food.

Of course, this doesn't stop the monster within that just wants to eat and eat and eat. I have gone through so much of their food. I feel horrible. I feel like a horrible housemate. I imagine what thoughts go through their head: "I don't know if I want to live with Meghan again, or 'I think she's been the one who is going through all of the peanut butter,' or 'hmm, darnit, someone used all the syrup and I just made pancakes. I could have sworn there was half a bottle in here yesterday....'

I just ruin everything. That's what. I eat all of their food and throw it up. Sometimes I throw up into cups in my room when i can't use the bathroom. I stow them in my closet and then when i get a chance, go dump them out in the toilet. I do so many weird things. You have to do a lot of 'weird' things when bulimia is your number one priority.

Some days I wake up and I'm like, "Okay! I am going to allow myself to eat whatever I want today! Maybe if I allow myself to eat what I want, I won't feel guilty for having eaten it, and then I won't throw up!' So then I will fix myself a nice breakfast, eat it, and be so excited by the prospect of having cooked my own meal and eaten all by myself that I will want to do it again. What fun, this being able to prepare something so nice for myself and getting to be a little creative! Of course, after the third meal in one morning, I'm bent over the toilet by noon.

I am going to cut this short. I am bulimic and I am so ashamed. I am sorry. I am so afraid that this will just disgust people or weird people out. So I keep it a secret, even though I KNOW my housemates must suspect something. And Alex, a dear friend, I want things to be so much more genuine and REAL, but this bulimia thing is preventing me from acting wholly myself. I don't want to confuse you, I don't want to waste your time, I don't want to lie to you, but being bulimic makes me do all of those things.

I don't want to weird people out. I just want to be me.

I have not told anyone how much I throw up. I lie about it to the people that DO know that I throw up (my parents). Nobody knows, not a soul in the world.

I am obsessed with my eyeballs, fearing that I will suddenly lose vision if I throw up one more time.

I am bulimic. I am bulimic! I eat too much food and then I throw it up! I used to be so skinny, but I have been gaining weight!

Gah. I AM BULIMIC! I WANT TO BE REAL! I WANT TO BE WHOLLY PRESENT IN THE EXPERIENCE THAT IS THE CONSTANT AND EVER-CHANGING JOURNEY WE CALL LIFE! I WANT TO BE FREE OF BULIMIA AND I WANT TO BE PRESENT! I AM HERE AND BULIMIA IS NOT! I AM HERE AND BULIMIA IS NOT!




...


Love,
Meghan

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of your-bulimia-recovery.com
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community


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