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by Melanie

I don't know what triggers my binges. I can be having a perfectly great day and then I hear a little voice in my head sorta saying binge and I just follow what it says. it doesn't matter if I'm full or if I'm not hungry or even if I'm thinking it while eating when that thought happens there's only me and food and nothing else. It makes me feel soo disgusted and trapped. I constantly think to myself why Why me? Why couldn't i have been born this beautiful skinny perfect girl with normal eating habits. Food should be food just something you need for nutritional needs only. Not something you hate not something you love not something you think about constantly just a part of everyday life. Not a big part but just a part. But for me it controls me. It makes me sad and angry makes me alone. Hell I blew up at my dad just tonight for wanting to be nice and take us out for chinese food after hes had a long stressful day at work and didn't feel like cooking. And if I'm not overeating or thinking about eating or blowing up because i think I'm such a pathetic fat ass im starving like crazy trying to figure out how to lose weight how to look like i want to look. I hate that this has now become the main part of my life no scratch that IT IS MY LIFE. I used to be someone else someone better but now im this thing that nothing good comes from and i hate it. I want to tear my skin out and become a new person. A better one. But I constantly feel stuck and I hate that. Its not the eating all the time, the gaining weight, or the freaking diets that i hate its the feeling of being stuck this way forever. The cherry on top though is that I'm fine. Normal weight and everything. But i feel like this ugly fat girl and its killing me. I wish this story can be one of those after stories and I can tell you now I'm eating normally and look like Angelina Jolie because I've stopped the binges through some crazy shock therapy and am o.k. But that would be a big lie. My stories still happening and even though I'm sure its gonna be a tough road writing it down here and venting like a crazy person helped more than I thought it would. I hope if someone reads this it will help them too. I guess us eaters aren't alone.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program