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Lost

by Sandra

Hey there guys
um so where to begin right? I'm 16 and iv been throwing up for about 2 years. When i was younger i was a bit of a tomboy, so stuff like weight and looks didn't really concern me much. I was a big child, don't think i'v ever weighed less than about Xkgs even as a kid, but i remember looking in the mirror as a 12 year old and thinking so what? this is who I am. I can't pinpoint when my mindset changed exactly.
The first time I threw up it had nothing to do with weight. My mother had made some chocolate muffins and they were so good and so rich that by the time i had eaten 2 i was stuffed. But they were so good. I decided that if i could just not feel full, i could have another muffin. So i threw up. It was a lot easier than id expected,a lot easier than dieting, a lot easier than exercise, and a lot easier than self control. It was the perfect easy way out.
The intensity with which I purge comes and goes in waves. Some times I go weeks without incident, and other times I do it after any form of consumption,often until there's more fluid ruining from my eyes than coming from my mouth. When I was 14 i weighed around Xkg, but over the past 2 years i have slowly lost Xkg's. Its not drastic, but I love stepping onto the scale and seeing Xkgs. Often, after a bad day of binging, im too scared to weigh myself, in case that no. increases.Its not a reality i could live with.
I know depressed people, and Im not depressed. I know people with low self esteems, and i don't have one of those either, so for a long time i thought i didn't have a problem, because if i didnt have the self harming mindset, i couldnt be self harming.
But my hair falls out, everywhere, and my mouth is full of sores. My throat is constantly sore and the muscles around my jaw and neck are slow and swollen. In the morning i wake up to severe cramping that continues throughout the day, and when i do eat, the urge to reject the food gnaws at me like an itch until i give in. There are 3 symptoms ( i guess you could call them that) that really get to me though. For one thing, my food doesn't begin to digest after iv eaten. Sometimes if i cough on a full stomach, my whole mouth fills with vomit. I have heart arrhythmia. I can feel it, its like my heart plays 2 half notes on the piano instead of a single count. The thing that really gets to me is a new thing though. The other day I discovered that just below my knuckle on the index finger of my right hand,i have a single tooth mark.
I have never spoken to anyone about it. I feel ridiculously melodramatic just sending this. But im sick of going round in circles, and sick of being finatical about what i eat, instead of fanatical of life.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of your-bulimia-recovery.com
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community


The Bulimia Recovery Program