Lost in the World or Lost in my Head
I'm stuck. I feel so stuck. I have so many feelings on this matter that I don't even know where to begin. There are so many layers and levels to what's going on in my head that whenever I try to sort them out like this I just get overwhelmed at the thought of explaining it all. I feel like when I start to tell it, I leave out important bits or I embellish parts to make them sound worse or better or I don't know.
Why would I do that too? Why would I try to make something sound worse than it is? To give myself an excuse to feel the need to binge? Often I feel like my reasons are ridiculously silly and cliche. And the funny part is I preach the idea that it doesn't matter if your problem seems trivial, if you are upset about it IT MATTERS. But I can't seem to live by it. I can't seem to think my problems are worthy of being upset over because in comparison to others, they are really quite small.
I was not a refugee from another country, I was not abused, I was not anything. In fact, my childhood was quite blessed and I had a mother who told me I was beautiful no matter where I was in my cycling weight issues.
My parents divorced when I was young, but they always put me and my sister first. My mother moved out, but only 7 minutes away. My father, although temperamental, was always fair and tried to be delicate with me and my sister even though (looking back now) I can see how angry and hurt he was. Despite how cautious both my parents were to make sure my sister and I were okay, this is when my eating issues and her anxiety issues first emerged.
After the divorce, my weight skyrocketed and I spent the majority of my adolescence xlbs overweight. I never ended up purging and have yet to, but I would and do binge frequently. It comes when I am stressed, it comes when I am excited, it's always there and it doesn't make any sense. I feel lost, anything I do to combat it eventually is thwarted by a new way for me to binge.
I exercise a large amount of the time and have a fairly rigorous training regiment, but it doesn't matter with the amount I eat. I'm about xlbs overweight now and every time I try to fix it I am lost in my desires for food. I get stressed succumb to eating. Even as I'm walking toward the dining hall, knowing full well what I'm about to do asking myself "Are you sure you want to do this? Are you sure? You know the consequences." I answer with an enthusiastic "YES!!!" and eat until I can't fit anymore.
Even today I just came from the dining hall, having eaten a fairly balanced breakfast and lunch, no red flags. But I got a lower grade on my test than I wanted (it was a B-, that's not even bad. That's acceptable, particularly for Organic Chemistry) and I immediately went to the dining hall and had four pieces of cake, an ice cream sundae and hot chocolate.
I can't figure out how to beat it. I can't figure out how to just say "NO! Stop killing yourself! Stop hurting yourself!!" I know eating like this is not only bad for my physical health (constant yoyo-ing, lots of sugar intake that's bad for my heart) but the guilt the shame and the self depreciation that come afterwards are tearing me apart.
I don't know what to do to help myself, I can't find an emotionally stable mindset to do anything. Every time I seem to get settled somewhere and am making progress towards helping myself, I have to go back home for the winter break or summer and I'm thrust back into the environment where I learned this coping mechanism. I lose all the progress I made. I fall apart. And then the school year starts again and I'm back to square 1.
I don't know why I wrote this, it doesn't have a conclusion because I have no resolution this problem. Can you call it a problem? Or just my unwillingness to get better?
I hope someone else out there is doing better than I am. I hope someone else out there is getting beyond their problems, that they've found within themselves something worth saving.
I hope I soon find something worth fighting for.
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