Lost, Confused, and Lonely in Bulimia
I don't know where to start but I'll do my best. Anything is worth a shot right...
Okay, so first the story. Throughout high school I gained more and more "self-control," or so I thought. The pounds dwindled off and I soon was frigidly cold on 90 degree days, and my bones hurt as they clanked together. After some fighting, I decided I couldn't fight the battle alone and entered a treatment center. For 18 weeks I entered into recovery, never thinking I would look back. I was given bingeful amounts of food in the weight gain process and quickly put the pounds back on. Before I knew it I was back to healthy and on my way out the door.
I stayed sane for a little while but little habits and obsessions started to creep their sneaky ways back into my life...this time in a whole new manner. I was no longer filled with pride and comfort from my eating disorder. I was a mess filled with embarrassment and shame and vowed this would stay inside me. I had failed. The thousands and thousands of dollars my parents put forth to save my life were going down the drain and in turn I was developing something far worse in my eyes...bulimia.
These days I don't know what the right answer is. I feel like I'm in a better place then I've been in a long time largely due to my job of trail work and the fuel it requires. This week has been rough though, and it is only a sign to me that the demon is still inside of me just as strong. It just needs one little thing to set it off and the battle begins from the moment I wake up to the wee hours of the night when I have to fight to go to sleep. My stomach is full to the point of bursting and I try to tell myself if I won't purge then maybe I can stop the cycle. I don't know where it stops. I don't feel like doing anything except getting rid of it which in turn only leads to me getting back into it. You get the point...
I know there's not a lot of detail. I just feel helpless and maybe someday I'll be able to open up more into the specifics. I'm just sick of it and all of its ill effects. I'm using it as a way of sabotage- telling myself I'm not worth anything and why I even give a damn what my future looks like. The light is very bleak.
I know there is hope and I know I can get over this. I'm just low and sickened by my lack of self control. I've tried therapists...they have yet to work for me. I know there are tools though. I just have to develop the strength to use them. Please do not pity me when you read this but if you have any useful advice for a lasting recovery feel free to share.
I do enjoy this site and the stories I've read. You people who want recovery for you are troopers and you are an inspiration to me. And thank you Shaye for putting this all together. I've had dreams before of helping people who have battles similar to my own but have yet to be successful in it. It is an inspiration to see where you have come from.
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