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Losing everything because of my bulimia.

by sarah
(reno, nv)

My name is Sarah, I am only 20.

I started throwing up when I was thirteen. It slowly progressed into a mind altering self worth killing monster with a mind of its own. I became a paranoid, worried, anti social, anxious freak.

For the last three years I've been with my boyfriend Greg. He knew I was sick, but he didn't know and I didn't know it could have ever progressed into what it is today.

For the last year of our relationship I imprisoned him in my hell with me. I asked him for the world every day. I turned him into an angry hateful person. My jealousy and paranoia got so out of control one night, I actually hit him. I shattered our sliding glass door. And he asked me to leave.

We decided we would just take a break, we were still together. We just needed some time apart.

Even at this point it had never crossed my mind for a second that the reason I am the person I am today was because of my bulimia. I wasn't supposed to call him during the break, we weren't supposed to talk...

But once again, my paranoia drove me crazy. My anxiety and my jealousy made me call him almost every day. Accusing him of sleeping around, pushing him and pushing him. And finally, he left me. He said it's over.

When he said it was over I went to see my therapist, we got down deep to whats really going on. And I feel so stupid, I never saw it. I didn't ever think it would catch up to me and it did. And not only did it catch up to me, but it ripped away the life the I loved the man that I love.

My only reason for waking up and smiling every day is now gone because of my disorder. Because of this disease.

I've started treatment recently. Greg and I still aren't together, but he asked that I call him when I'm well again. He wants to be friends, and go from there. He said he wants to try it again.

Still my heart breaks every day. Now not only am I about to go through hell trying to beat this, but I'm coping with losing the only person that I love in the world. My family doesn't care about me, my friends only ever used me for money. He was all I had. And I let this rip it all away.

If anyone, anyone at all can give me some kind of advice. If you've been through the same thing. Please say something.

I am going through treatment but my anxiety kills me, my head is killing me.

I felt worthless before because of this disease, and now everyone has left me because of it. I feel as worthless as ever.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of your-bulimia-recovery.com
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community


The Bulimia Recovery Program