Living with BDD and Bulimia

by Amanda Davis
(Rolla, MO USA)

See, I have a condition called BDD (Body Dysmorphic Order) that makes me sometimes see myself as not what others see. I may be a little bloated and what I actually see in the mirror is a woman at her ninth month pregnancy mark. I may have one zit, but to me it covers my whole face. Things are extremely exaggerated in my eyes and I cannot see what is really there sometimes. This isn’t only frustrating for me, but frustrating for those who love me and constantly tell me, “You are not fat!” So, when I gained some weight a while back it was more than I could handle. The last straw was when my sister thought I was “overweight”. That hurt more than anything to me. I would have rather someone have punched me in the face than to have on the internet plastered as the fat sister. So, I started to abuse laxatives, not eat, over exercise, and purge. X pounds lighter and six months later I wound up checking myself in at an Eating Disorder Clinic in Kansas City. It was the hardest thing to do, but I wanted to live. I wanted better for myself. When I got there I was literally dying. My muscles and organs were eating themselves in order to survive. I lost an inch of height in bone mass that I’ll never get back. I was in the hospital over Thanksgiving. I missed my family and found out what friends were really true friends. I was put to the test…every day….every minute….every meal. A month later I came home for Christmas. But I still wasn’t finished working on it. It’s an ongoing thing, but I’m here to tell you it does get easier. It has now been 9 months since I was on my death bed and I am the most health I have ever been. Of course I have lapses. But I forgive my self and move on. Dwelling on the bad or feeling shame doesn’t make it any better, but only worsens the problem. Now I am happily married, living healthy, do yoga, and am publishing my first poetry book and am in the process of writing a novel. So see, there is life after bulimia!