living a lie - bulimia

by hopeless
(usa)

I had always been a thick girl. I was averaging X in a 5"5 body. I had my concerns with my weight but never really made a ordeal over it. I joined the army out of high school...and everyone told me I would come back so much thinner. I looked the same. There after I gave up thinking I was meant to just be "big" a few years later I went to Iraq... I remember seeing a girl I knew who was very heavy when I left in a picture she was SO SMALL! I emailed her and asked how....she said in a joking matter that she just shoves her finger down her throat. I tried it for about 6 months and when it got to hot to b in the porta jon's I gave up.... I didn't ever fully recover...I would throw up when I felt to full...or late at night....so it was no surprise to me that when I got orders to go back to Iraq that things got worse. When I returned home I was X pounds and scary.... I had been working out 5 days a week up to 30 diet pills a day...and only allowed protein shakes and milk to settle. I've been home for 2 years now...I am up to 135 and maintaining but I can't keep anything down. If I eat it...I've already planned on how to rid my system. My boyfriend now knows...he hates it...he's been very supportive... but he uses it against me sometimes. All my teeth are falling out I need bridges and caps.... I've wasted so much money on food and gorging. I'm at a loss...I've been to counseling at the v.a and get help...but I lie...I don't know how to give up. I model and dance...and I almost feel its mandatory to have this eating disorder because I've always been just fat. People used to look right past me...now I get hit on 5+ times a day. With ptsd...insomnia.... anxiety...panic disorder....anger..and depression..I feel like bulimia is the only disorder that holds me together. Will I ever have the strength to give up? I'm so scared of the after math that bulimia has completely taken me over. How can I go back to being just fat me?