LIVE!! Christinas bulimia story
If every day is a "new day" or a "new chance"....when does this start to get old?
I'm tired of my empty promises and broken lies.
Wishes and dreams are nothing if you do nothing to make them real...
My dream is to live a life free of bulimia. Free of any eating disorder. I have had anorexia for two years and bulimia for two years. I turn 19 next month. I don't want to miss out on another day of my life.
So I'm going to DO something and GET ON WITH MY LIFE.
I have been to 3 different counselors who were all helpful (sort of), but they made no progress with me because my head wasn't 100% in the game of recovery. It's all or nothing when it comes to these things.
Exactly one week ago, I told myself that I would "share my story" on this site and then walk away from bulimia.
But then I started thinking about what I would have to give up...
No more binging on whatever I wanted all day long and being able to stay underweight at the same time... I got nervous. I am addicted to my binges. I decided to procrastinate and did not write.
One week later I realize how irrational and stupid I was being. Within this past week my head has been down toilets and sinks and trash bins for endless hours. I have eaten my way through so much food it is embarrassing. I have lied to cover up the disappearing food. I have looked into my 8 year old sister's frightened eyes as she looked in horror from me to the sink full of vomit I was kneeling on the counter over when I forgot to lock the door. I have been yelled at by my 16 year old sister because the entire upstairs hallway smelled of wrotten vomit after I accidentally spilled my bin all over my closet carpet. (I had to cut out the square of carpet and throw it out. No one has noticed yet but I have already planned my cover-up lie: "The dog peed there.")
Sometimes my binge episodes have lasted over 4 hours. I have almost passed out several times from dehydration and electrolyte imbalance.
My dad told me that he was so proud of me because I am so creative and full of spunk and spark- always doing some art project, or cleaning the house, or playing a game with my younger siblings, always smiling and singing and laughing.
I just hung my head. If he only knew the REAL me.....
Why Can't that be the REAL me?
What is holding me back from fully being that girl my dad sees for an hour or two when he comes home from work?
Just food. Just binging and purging.
It's as simple as that. And as hard as that.
But I love challenges.
I am ready to do this!
I did an experiment yesterday - only eat small portions of healthy food the whole day and don't binge. By 5pm I was stuffing my face and purging, and I didn't stop till around midnight. Looking back I know exactly what went wrong. My "small portions" were REALLY small. I wasn't eating enough. My body was starving. And when my body is hungry, my willpower and ability to think rationally go out the window. The binge urges take over and I am defenseless to fight them...
But I have also done experiments in the past where I actually eat good sized healthy meals and snacks throughout the day with enough calories for me.
The binge urges, though they are still there, are weak and easy to crush because my body isn't hungry, so it cares a lot less about binging.
So, I ate a good breakfast today, and I plan to eat a good lunch and have a good snack then eat a good dinner and another good snack :)
I believe that the only way I will recover from eating disorders is by ....eating! normally :)
I am already feeling happier than I have been in a LONG time!
I'm not looking back. This isn't just a "new day"...this is MY LIFE! And I love living it!
Wow, you go girl! It was so great reading your story and hearing how determined you are to beat this! If you have slipped up since you posted this story - pick yoruself up and move on. Forgive yourself. Love yoruself - you are worth of all this!
And I could not agree more. Recovery starts with allowing yourself to eat! We can not beat bulimia by dieting - that's a large part of what causes bulimia in the first place! There is actually a chapter in The Bulimia Recovery Guide I have written (part of my online recovery program
) which talks about how healthy men have developed bulimia solely through dieting. This was during the second world war when experiments were being done on how to re-feed people who had been deprived of food. When the men were allowed to eat properly again - many of them could not control themselves... The guilt resulted in purging - which lead onto more binging.
I am so glad that you are working on eliminating diets from your life Christina! You deserve freedom and this is one huge step closer to achieving it!
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